Ferris of Fears

I was thinking today while out and about for Canada Day about some of my fears. Not sure why I was thinking about this, other then climbing mountains with steep sides that if you made one wrong move... down you went! Btw I HATE HEIGHTS! So that got me to thinking .. when and how did this fear come to be. I mean I use to stand in front of my full length mirror as a child ( yes even as a child I had mirrors)... and step on the brown 2 step stool and think.. I WANT TO BE THIS TALL ! If you knew my family, you will know why I was wanting to be tall.... they are short people and I didn't want to be short.... plus I talked my brother into him believing he was a dwarf. Oh yes I did... my mother had to take him to the doctors so that he could tell him he's not a dwarf, he's just SHORT ! Anyway....I stood on that thing for hours on end... I guess willing myself to be tall. I think it worked cuz I'm pretty much the tallest out of my entire family and I'm not even tall!

So, how did it happen that from this... I am afraid of heights. I remember the highland games use to come to our town every summer and along with that, came the fair rides. The biggest ride we had was the Ferris wheel... they had it so it stood by the public pool.. it was white with red trim... oh yes I still remember! I use to watch people get on those buckets and have a twirl on that big wheel and was in awe of it all... UNTIL .. it was my turn to get on that ride. I guess I missed the idea of rocking the bucket from all my hours of watching others.... I put my ass down.. they slapped the bar across the seat and a way I went. Moving backwards and upwards..as you got to the top I swear I wet my pants! I was so scared .. never letting go of the bar and screaming for everyone not to move. Yeah like that was going to happen... it didn't matter if anyone moved when the bucket came down it automatically slipped back and your feet went up... I thought I was going to slip out the back and land on the gravel ground... what a way to die I thought.. in front of all these people eating candy apples and hot dogs!

I never went back on this ride for fear of dying.. slipping out at the top and tumbling my little fat ass to the bottom. Now don't get me wrong.. I use to watch my friends and family go on it and be amazed they weren't crying! I would watch for that damn bucket to move and then think... this is it.. I'm going to witness someone's death... or perhaps them screaming. Nooooo that wasn't the case... the only reaction I got from them was laughs and giggle's... How could anyone on that wheel of death giggle.... they were all hero's in my eyes! I'm sure it was a normal height for this ride... but to me.. coming from a small town... when you can see the entire length of the swimming pool and the little bodies in it swimming.. well I might as well have been on the empire state building.. I could even see my house from the top! I was raised by short people, who were really close to the ground, so for me to be at this height... well gesh! I didn't even like looking out my bedroom window after that point... as it was on the 2nd floor.

As I got older I knew how to avoid heights... NEVER LEAVE THE GROUND! It wasn't like the town I grew up in had any high rise buildings, or rather large platforms to get up on anyway. I use to go to the park and play on the 'child's seats' as we called them... a set of swings that you strap into, put the cross bar down and it goes in a circle. I use to pretend this was the Ferris wheel... face your fear Wayne... get your friends to really push you around fast so you would bolt to the sky. As I screamed for them to push faster.. it never much scared me... but only made my dewy tingle... not sure why but after a certain height on this.. I would scream to stop as my dewy was really tingling and I had to make it stop. I still sometimes get that same feeling when I ride the pirate ship! You know the one where you swing back and forth... and my fear on that is... the damn tire at the bottom that gets you going will blow and I will be lifted right up and over and fall out.... yes still to this day... you will never catch me on that damn ride! Sooooo.. back to me and my attempt to over come my fear of heights at the park..... it didn't work! The fear was still there when I reached a certain height and my signal was .. my dink would tingle. I use to get my friends to keep trying all the time... but looking back on it now.. not sure if it was for getting over fear... or perhaps I just liked that tingle feeling!

So today having climbing those mountains, it really brought back my fear of heights. I got goose bumps when I looked down... I would have to pause and collect myself before moving on. Its horrible... at my age I should have this fear anymore.....I don't worry about it in my day to day life.... I go in planes all the time, and I'm the first who wants a window seat to look out. Why no fear there... now that's high! I guess my mind can't understand that kind of height... or perhaps my dewy doesn't tingle to let me know.... its time to get off ! I figure if this fear doesn't stop me from doing the things I love, then its all good. I still will look over and edge... I still will climb a mountain... I still will get on the top of a ladder... I still will enjoy the view .... hhhhmmmm maybe I'm just waiting for that tingle .... but at my age... that tingle doesn't happen as much as it use too!

There's really no meaning to this blog at all... well other then tomorrow I'm heading to the park to see if I can get that tingly feeling back...gesh I miss that tingle, now its only dizziness and goose bumps... I hate getting older.... oh did I mention my other fear of getting older....... the above meaning will explain why that is .....

MY CANADA ... MY DAY !

I know many people from around the globe think what is it like to be Canadian... well I'm here to share with you a bit of what its like to be a Canuck. Most people generally think of us as the laid back American cousin... which is sad, cuz we are nothing like American's ... well besides having to share the same continent. Its not our fault the war of 1812 didn't pan out for em... baaahhhhhhh sucker's .. teach you to shoot in the dark.... although this must be where they came up with every man may bare arms.... or whatever... more like everyone allowed to shoot first....run next ...and hide in Canada third.... gesh we are nice people!

So to be Canadian for me is about living in a vast country that has many different landscapes...but in winter all resembles the same shit... one big snow bank! (well besides the southern coast of Bc.. unless you count the last winter! WTF?) So with that big of land it brings on challenges.. like regionalization.. what is best for each part of Canada... isn't best for other parts... so how do we fix this in Canada you may ask... well a good ole fashion curling match.. yup I said it.. curling. We throw stones on ice and see who can knock the other opponent out! Its not a complete fix to our problems as we tend to often take the yelling and heckling out to the parking lotwhere, after a few cold 5 % beer's, we lace up our skates and grab sticks to finish the deal. Its our own little Canadian way of being active in a climate that tends to freeze over for many months of the year. After all most area's only get 2 months of good weather and this is just enough to let the bruises heal before the next match... or shall I say debate on what is good for Canada.

Canadian or Canadien's (depending on where you live), have 2 official languages to choose from... but don't tell pockets of Canadians who speak Hindu, Chinese, Africans, Dutch, Czech, Hebrew, Spanish, Italian, Greek or even REAL French! Yup to keep our country united we adopted the 2nd language to which only 23% of us speak.. or care to speak... I guess to be Canadian this means a passing grade is only 23% .. then we make it law. Now don't get me wrong, I think its wonderful we have more then English, I mean just last week I was in Chinatown and every sign was not in either French or English... it was all these characters, not even letters... how does that work? It doesn't matter.... to be Canadian we don't worry about who speaks what, or what language gets used for signs... what we care about is ..... people live in their pockets of their own communities.... why else would we have little Italy, India, Greektown, French quarter, eastside! If they like to live by each other... all the better... we can quickly go in, throw our money at them.... buy their wares and leave... that is Canadian.. peaceful bargain shoppers! Don't split up Canada as a country... when we've split up cities to reflect the different nationalities and feel good about it!

We are a bunch of fun loving, warm people... we have to be.. we don't want to start a war in this country and have to brave some of the brutal winter storms and fight... I mean our armies would be in green camouflage in the summer and white in the winter. We would be building trenches of snow ... and could you image a stand off in the prairies.... it would be one side on the border of Manitoba .... the other on the boarder of Alberta... all with a great view of what each other is doing! Its like the saying goes... you can watch your dog run away for days! Its not like the flatlands of Canada are anything to write home about... well other then the oil sands we have in Alberta... now there is our national treasure of late. What a great way to create an environmental disaster and have the entire world focus on us. Its not like Canada to wave a flag and promote ourselves... but if by chance we get a spot on the global platform... we really go for it. What people don't understand is most of the CEO's of these oil companies are actually American's ... cuz there is no way a true Canadian would exploit our country for the sake of the world..... its just not us... just look at how we handled soft wood trade with the USA... we certainly didn't make a big stink about it when they slapped tariffs on our wood and killed that industry... again we are fun loving warm people... you have to be to live next to the states!

I don't want you to get the wrong idea about Canada, and what it means to be Canadian... we are a good bunch of people. You know the kind that will be there when called upon... Afghanistan for instant! We take our peace making troops to an area that is so full of turmoil and begin to fight on the front lines... now remember we only have 3 battle ships ... a couple of really old helicopters and water guns that spring leaks for arms. Why wouldn't we want to go to a hot spot of the world to help out our neighbours... BECAUSE WE ARE CANADIAN! We will help out anyone if they need us... minus Iraq.... just due to the huge number of bodies we would need to place there... after all its not like any kid in Canada grows up thinking they need to enlist... so our defenses are a bit low. But honestly why would they need a big number.... seriously... its not like we fight wars all the time.... take the Arctic for example... we claimed it years ago when it was still full of ice and things... but now that global warming has caught on ...in a big way.. other countries feel they can put their flag on this land and call it their own. What do Canadians do ... take our ice breaking ship up there to pull out the flag and then call a news conference about how, such and such a country has no right to claim the arctic! Honestly... HONESTLY ... if any country REALLY wanted it... we can't stop them... our troops are off fighting someone else's war!

With that being said... to be really Canadian is to have the worlds interest at heart... to be there like an old friend for someone in need. We are the ole faithful of the world.... you don't hear too much from us, and we don't expect too much from others. We don't wave flags outside our homes, we don't go around with maple leafs tagged to our cars, houses, bikes, boats, or even beings.... but we do care for the world and its people. Its no wonder American's when traveling will show their maple leaf on their bags to say to the world... 'DON'T SHOT ME I'M CANADIAN'.. that my friends is the biggest compliment you can give a Canadian ... RESPECT !

Happy Canada Day CANADA.....you ole wet blanket you !

Date and Dash

We have all at one time or another been heading out for a blind date, and really not sure what awaits us.. other then the anticipation of, could this be the one who knocks my socks off.. the one that makes me smile when I don't even intend too... the one who puts a tingle in my pringle. Its not like we expect each blind date we venture on... to be our last.. but we want it to be at least a pleasant experience... a story we can tell for years ....

You head out to your location.. the one you both picked to meet up for the very first time. You decide, should I arrive early or show up on time.. is it easier to be the one waiting so you don't have to look like a fool when you enter and can't figure out who the person is! Let's admit it now... some photo's people post are not exactly a true depiction of their representation. I swear they either sift through hundred's of photos to find the 1 or 3 that look the best.... and some are from decades before... which really amazes me why anyone would want to give a picture from 20lbs ago...its only going to create an uneasy start to the dreaded blind date.

You are face to face now... both looking at each other and inner voices raising. WTF..WTH...who is this? Did you eat a healthy dinner the night before which created those extra pounds.. are you just retaining water... okay.. okay... let's see they might be a nice person.. make me laugh. The tension fades as the initial meeting is over.... you have questions but you dare not to ask them.... you know the ones... " why the hell would you lie about what you look like, you big donkey" ..... or " how the HELL can I cut this early, you sack of shit" ... oh yes we all think of something along these lines and I'm here to give you some tips on how to get out of the blind date from hell'ness !

I'm not about to give you the normal advice we all know about... like getting a friend to call.... saying you have to get up early for work.... that's just too obvious ... plus its been done many times. My advice will give you the leading edge for GREAT stories for your friends... family or whomever you want to share this experience with. Perhaps you don't even want to relive the event, but either way its going to make you giggle or give someone you care about a great big chuckle... and who doesn't like to hear about the good fortune of other's mistakes?!

My list will read as follows...

1. If its a coffee date, and you are both up at the counter paying for your coffee's ( you get a small in hopes you drink it fast to bolt), and just when your blind date is buying their coffee, you slip a biscotti into their purse, bag or pocket. You then gently lean towards the person taking the money and whisper .. " they just stole a biscotti" ! This will for sure end the date promptly with the police showing up to take the lying sack of shit away for questioning.... of course they will have no idea how that biscotti jumped into their being.. but does it matter... you're half way home to relax!

2. You have made it 2 sips into your coffee and thinking desperately how to end this.. the conversation isn't that great, things aren't flowing too well... bring up your past criminal record.... go into detail... talk about court appearances where you showed up drunk, talk about how you lied to your lawyer so they would really stand up for you. Make sure to laugh as you tell your tale of criminal actions... all the while slapping them on their shoulder and winking! Let them know though you got off and you weren't charged.. its important they understand that you can afford a really good lawyer.

3. Light up a smoke... even if you don't smoke, may I suggest buying a pack before the date and a fresh lighter. If this is the date from hell, you can always reach into your bag, bring out the pack of cancer sticks and light up. Now you don't have to inhale, this exercise isn't about becoming addicted to smoking.. its just a way to cut the date short. Then proceed to give them a smoke and create fun with it.. tell them you want to have a competition on who can blow the best smoke rings.... if they say no the first time.... keep asking... hounding really until its really uncomfortable. Now if they do smoke... make sure to blow the smoke directly into their face.. cough uncontrollably with fluids spurting every where.. .then keep spitting on the ground beside the table.

4. Bring up all the sexual disease's you have caught through the years. Its good to bring this topic up, not only to cut the date short, but also see if the other person decides to share as well. Either way... its a good thing! Make sure you list off your STI's you've had, how you got them and what position you got them in. The more detail he better for this... nobody just wants to hear you got anal warts ... they want to know 'how' you got them!

5. Having bad manners is a good way to cut it short... I mean if the other person didn't have enough manners to give you a picture of them that was current .. then what's wrong with a little bodily gas while chatting. As you are talking... burp during your conversation.. but don't indicate that you burped.... just continue on with your chat.... .all while blowing it in their direction. Now if the burps don't scare them... try excusing yourself from the table to go to the washroom and just as you leave... let one rip... I mean a wet one... then continue walking to the can... if anything when you get back the table with be empty and you are set free.

6. Trying to keep the conversation going... cuz your inner voice is still screaming to get the hell out? Try picking your nose.. dig deep and make sure there is a good load ready for harvest. Don't stop there though... lean down and grab your bag... pull out a baggie and drop the boogies into the baggie... then proceed to tell them you have a little collection at home and have been collecting your boogies since the age of 10.

MY FAV

7. Asking them about previous blind dates.... and asking them if they had a bad one. Get all the detail you can from their bad date... at least this way you can determine if this person has ever sat in your current shoes. Then continue to look really interested in what they're saying and ask.. come right out and ask.. how did you end it..... let them tell their story and then proceed to do exactly what they have just told you. If this doesn't give them a clue... well it doesn't matter... you've ended the date and you are free.

Now, my advice isn't for everyone, but its an option for those who find themselves on the blind date for hell. I wouldn't suggest that you try all of these during 1 date... just pick one.. practice it.. .perfect it. There is no sense getting a friend to call you during a date with an emergency... its too normal. If you are going to be stuck on a bad date.. why not make the most of it.. give yourself a great story to tell friends.
I can't wait to hear the stories from people who use my suggestions ... I want to know if they work, how long each took before the date was called to a close. I of course could use them myself.. but let's be honest... every single thing on this list is actually true in my case... so its the norm for me.. but would be open to suggestions from others... you know .. just in case I actually decide I want to date..... and dash !

Man in the Mirror

What I'm about to 'rant' about may offend some, or make you stop and think there is a bit of logic to what I'm saying. Yes I'm about to talk about the entire MJ fiasco and the results of behavior surrounding his untimely death. We all know where we were when we got wind of the whispers that Michael Jackson was dead... I'm sure we all felt the same feeling of disbielf... not that he was dead, but due to the shock that someone who was so iconic was dead.

What get's my goat is the endless turnout from people who knew MJ, or people in the entertainment business making statements about MJ and how he was a trail blazer, a hero, an industry first. How much he effected their lives and their path in the business. I have never heard so much positive reactions of Michael since I was a kid and the 'Thriller' album hit the stores. I remember myself as a kid being fascinated by Michael and wanted anything to do with his likeness. I even got my grandmother to knit me that famous white glove, so I too could feel what it must have been like to be Michael Jackson. I would even sit in my room looking at pictures of him and wondering... wow.. what is he doing right now.... was he sleeping when I slept, was he listening to music, was he laughing... was he playing!? Yes there were all thoughts I had as a child when it came to Michael Jackson.. and I'm sure I wasn't alone.

But as time went on, he became really distant from that 'image' I had of him, and I would think everyone else who knew him. I never once thought that Michael was loosing it... I kinda felt sorry for him, as I would also think about how difficult it would be to just live your life if you were Michael Jackson. Can you imagine not being able to go for a walk to clear your head, not be able to do basic chores we all do.. like go shopping, buying groceries, paying bills, going on trips, inviting friends over for dinner, being alone with one's thoughts? I use to think of this and feel sorry for him.. not to be able to go outside without making it a big ordeal... can you imagine just wanting to leave your house and then having to plan the whole event, and have protection in doing so? Of course you would have a very unclear vision on what we perceive a normal life... I can't fathom going for a coffee and having to clear it with my body guards, manager or anyone else... talk about a prisoner of life. I guess this is one of the pitfalls of becoming too famous...

So, when you think if MJ was crazy.... well wouldn't you be? Could you imagine during your most deepest darkest moments in life if everyone around you distanced themselves from you? I believe this is what happened to MJ as time went on.... everyone wanted to disassociate with MJ in fear of being guilty by association. We can relate to this, by making a decision in our life NOT to hang out with someone, or befriend someone who may get you down the wrong path... but can you imagine turning your back on a friend, or having your friend turn their back on you? Its hard to even think of someone in our life not being there for us when we need it... but this is exactly what happened to MJ. During the first ordeal in the early 90's when the all know what he was accused of... people began to really distance themselves from MJ.... you didn't hear a peep from people in the industry coming to his defense.... you didn't hear people standing up...but what you did see and hear was NOTHING. Can you even begin to imagine if this was you... .taking on a crisis in your life .. ALONE? Would this not make you a bit crazy?

We all know the outcome of the court actions... that is not what I'm talking about... its the reaction of the people closest to MJ. Did they come out then and cheer for him? Perhaps in private, but not publically. I don't ever recall hearing P Diddy, Usher or even Jamie Fox come out and say... he is innocent, let's celebrate Michael. There was no rally put on by these people... even though MJ was the first to bring on countless charity concerts to help those in need. I guess if this was me... and my friends weren't there to support me during a very difficult time... just turned their backs on me... but in death all came out and said wonderful things about me, and how I was this legend.. I would be PISSED and haunt the shit out of their lives for as long as I could. I think you all would too.. think about it... being alone... to deal with trauma in your life with every friend close to you... not there. I can't imagine.

I don't want people to not talk about MJ, or say he wasn't a trail blazer, a legend or anything else. Michael was to each of us the Michael we all want to remember. Whether it be from the Jackson 5 era, Thriller, Black or White, or plastic surgery, or the court cases. ..... this was his entire life. Its good to celebrates someone's life when they die... the good .. the bad.. and the ugly. After all this is what makes a person's life. But to get up.... be in the public eye stating he was the best thing since slice bread really gets me going. What is their motive? I guess its ' IN ' to be on MJ's side now that he is dead. Yes he was a very talented artist, he did shape the African American music industry, he did break boundaries, he did create his own identity, he did enjoy being around children, he did many things... talk about it.. all of it ! Its making me sick to see all those in the business coming out to talk about how lovely, incredible, amazing he was... where the hell were they when he needed them? I guess to busy worrying about their own identity and lifestyle.

I've never been famous, so I don't know what its like to live your life by how others perceive you. I do know however, that me, as a person is exactly the same as anyone else... same emotions, same bodily functions, same questions of why, and same searching for the answer's to my why's. I, like most people, have been instilled with morals and values and use these qualities for being a better person. I never want to turn my back on a friend in need... I never want to put my own agenda before a friend in need.. and I never want to become a hypocrite when it comes to a friend. I can't imagine stepping back in someone' s life... to then step forward in their death. To be front and centre speaking nothing but 'greatness' about them.... after I hadn't been there .... my morals couldn't let me .... there is no way I would want to ever come across as fake.. and for people who know me... know I'm anything but fake.

I say this for those reading this 'rant' about MJ.. its not all about MJ... its about our own personal values that shape us as individuals. If you can't be there for someone in life... thick or thin... then don't step up in death... its too late for the person who needed to hear it the most.... the dead. Its a sad world, we have created when society believes everything is black or white... step back and look at the man in the mirror... its gonna be startin something... cuz you never can say goodbye.... if you aren't present in life!

ps. I know its paying respect of the dead.. but let's try respecting during life !

Mommy Groups vs Cult

I have a friend who just had a baby.... and I must admit the cutest baby I have ever seen... well except for my own baby shots... I think my mother took 1 of me when I was a baby... the pit falls of being the youngest and born into a poor camera family. I know that if they had a camera, there would have been more. Although if you talk to my Mom, she says there are lots... I have yet to see all these photos.... and I'm 24 now.... so highly doubt there are.. but anyway, back to my original topic.

I understand the importance of Mommy groups.. for young mothers to meet other mothers who just pushed out a baby thru a very small, but in some cases large opening! Not pointing figures at who is who with this one... anyway... they get together to talk about how their babies are doing, what is happening, how you do this, that and the other thing. They meet up to have coffee, play in the park, walks or even swimming lesson ( to where the baby doesn't even get a badge)! So with all that they have this group they call the Mommy's group.... to which I will refer to it as ... THE CULT !

In my eyes, this is one step away from a horrible cool-aid incident... you know the one where everyone drank their refreshing drink laced with poison? I'm sure it started off with small meet ups in public places... you know a place where they could talk about.... oh I don't know... cult stuff. A regular meeting that grew and took on more of a lifestyle then a social gathering... kinda like those Mommy groups.
You can't tell me Mommy groups are friendly, cuz I've heard some horror stories of some of these groups.... you show up and get snubbed by other Mommy's who only drink ice latte's... or Mommy's who only breast feed.. or Mommy's who do regular work outs to get back to their pre Mommy days....

I guess what I want to know is this... how many ways could their be to change a diaper, or even how often.. if its full ....change it. I'm not expert on diapers but from what I understand they all do up the same way .. no? How many different ways is there to feed a child who is hungry... isn't it the child who determines when they are hungry... hence the no sleep you get from all those middle of the night wake ups? Do you talk about how far you tip the bottle into the mouth? How often you burp them, or how you burp them? What are all the different types of rashes on their bottoms? How many different types of rashes could there be... you see bumps and redness you know you got a rash on your hands... put cream on it ! When should your baby be holding their head up, crawling, walking, teething.. the list goes on. Since when did a baby come with a manual ... as far as I know, each baby is unique in that way.. .No?

So, what I'm saying is this... what really do Mommy's talk about in their group? It can't be all about baby stuff... perhaps they talk about husbands.... how they do nothing, don't really help out.. don't hold the baby the right way.. .can't stand changing their diaper...doesn't look at me the same way as before.... could these be some of the topics you think? If this is.. then its a cult... a cult of mothers who think they are the only people on this earth who can care properly for their child... and then try to out do, and out know the other mommy's. This can't be a healthy environment... to be constantly competing with other Mommy's. This is where the cult begins... First it will be morning meet ups.. then pool meet ups.. then weekend meet ups.... with cake and things. They will then look at other people who have kids and try to tell them the best way to care for their child.. what worked for theirs MUST work for everyone else's. They begin to preach about what to eat, what to take, what not to eat, what not to take .. as it might harm their child. I swear .. my mother smoked and ate what she wanted with me.... and nothing really happened... unless you count that .. well ... this isn't about me is it.

So, I'm thinking about joining some of these groups to see what exactly is being talked about. What is the fun of getting together with other hormonal mom's who just gave birth and think they have the best child, the best way and the best future for their baby? I see this as a competition, and anyone who knows me .... knows I am very competitive... So if anyone has a baby they would like to give up for a few hours a day... I prefer a newly changed, well feed, only sleeps type of baby. I have no problem stating in private that I will puke at the sight of poo... will not handle any type of puke and don't like a high pitched noise whaling out of anyone. Plus if I'm about to give some advice on what other mother's should do.. I better have a damn good child in tow. Oh yeah they have to be cute... let's be honest .. if I'm going to pass off a kid as my own... they HAVE to be cute.... I've seen some pretty horrible looking babies in those Mommy's groups... ears out to there... eyes all wonky... alien shaped heads.

I'm curious by nature and if I can save 1 mom from the torment of Mommy groups, well I've done my job. I must find out what is being talked about.... the snickers, the gossiping... the back stabbing... I want apart of it all. I want to eventually open these groups up to anyone... you know, if you like baby's... want to be a baby... want to be a mommy.. attracted to mommy's.... everyone should be allowed to join and give their 2 cents on any topic... we live in a free society where we place an importance on freedom of speech.. and freedom of choice... so let me choose whether I want to join a Mommy's group ... I like cake just like the next person !

WHEN I GROW UP

Remembering way back in the day when I kept thinking and dreaming about what I will be when I grow up. I was always telling stories of how rich I would be, what I would own and of course build the famous Wayne Redmond Mall Hall. I haven't got a clue what that was going to be except a HUGE building that was named after ME. So let's get everyone up to speed on where I've come since those days of telling my story of "when I grow up"....

I grew up in a very small farming town in Southern Ontario with a population of around I believe at the time was 500.. no stop lights, barely a stop sign.. but you knew enough to slow down and look both ways before crossing the road. I learned this the hard way... run right over after leaving school... by my mothers friend... oh yes she mowed me down and ran completely over me... luckily my Aunt lived across from the school, in which the principle carried me to her place. I still remember my mother telling me what my Aunt had said to her when she called to say I was run over... " Wayne's been run over by a car" .. then hangs up! Its always good to just get right to the point and leave out the detail that I was alive.... my poor mother! For all you mother's out there... you can only imagine the horror in getting a call that your FAVOURITE son was run over.. oh yes I said FAVOURITE..... I always reminded my brother of this fact .. and still do to this day. How couldn't I be the favourite..... funny, smart, and let's not forget CUTE..

Anyway, I was always known as a momma's boy and had no problems with it.. my mother was my world. She kept me safe, she allowed me to be who I am, and always told me to 'dry up' when I got too sarcastic.... I know me... sarcastic?! I was suppose to be the child who grew up and stayed close to my mother, and not leave her side... or so thought my entire family. But I was 19 when I went out to London, signed a lease on a townhouse and was moving. You should have heard the NO YOU AREN'T .. when I told my mother.. but it was too late.. the lease was signed and I was packing up what little belongings a 19yr old momma's boy could have!

So, I moved to the 'big city' as my family would refer to it, without a care or job really.. When I have a plan in my head its really hard to stop me. So I lived in the big city for about 7 years.. experiencing life and all the up's and downs that went with it. I went to school, had jobs and a car and thought I was living and experiencing life.. UNTIL..... I woke up one morning with the thought of Vancouver.... never talked about Vancouver, never known anyone to go out there, never seen pictures of it.. but knew this was where I was to go.... most likely to accomplish my 'when I grow up' stint! I moved in a matter of a month.. sold everything or threw it out to start my life in Vancouver. Even had to call my brother 3 months before his wedding to tell him... not only that I was moving, but also... get this... I wouldn't be able to stand up with him on his wedding day... or get this.... be there! He took it well as I recall.. told me this.. " sound like something you have to do and I support you" .. phew... that went well.. now to call my mother and break the news to her that her FAVOURITE son was moving even further away. ( she cried for days when I moved to London and that was only 20 mins down the highway)... her response was this... after a long pause ... OHHHHH NOOOO YOU AREN'T !

So, in 96 I went to Vancouver on a one way ticket to 'when I grow up' land. I instantly felt like I was at home.. not sure why just a feeling that YES I was suppose to be here. It was a good experience... no job, little money and only dreams of 'when I grow up'. Sure not every single experience in this city was positive, let's not get carried away, but it provided me with the know how of doing it myself. I quickly made a home for myself in the city, met some people and began my adventure with Bc. I started with little jobs to get my feet on the ground and then pursued the big job that could and would in my eyes,.....fulfill my dream of " when I grow up". I worked my ass off for years, day in and day out, climbed my way up the ladder of success and made more money then I could possibly dream of.... that Wayne Redmond Mall Hall was just around the corner! Until..... the day .... I became... BORED AND NOT CHALLENGED.. I know how could I not be challenged .. how could I be bored with that bank account... the fact was .... I wasn't able to experience life.. I was just living it! I asked for a buy out.... to the horror of others and amazement of myself.... I took the money and ran .. .like the wind... closing that door fast with a huge slam.

What a risky adventure I was taking.... to leave the money, the success, and admiration of my family. They didn't understand why I would take such a risk, and frankly I couldn't believe I was either, but after living the corporate world and seeing what I was becoming.. it scared me. That wasn't in my plan of " when I grow up " ! When I talked about it as a child it was with excitement, knowing that I could and would experience life at it most. The fact was.. I was only experiencing greed ... my own greed ! To have no care about the 'cost' of something, to ever have to worry about paying a bill.. scared me. I would look at some of my friends who were struggling and think.. wow they are so lucky. I know you are all thinking... LUCKY... how is that lucky? To me it was still having a dream and working towards it.... the " WHEN I GROW UP " phase! I had lived that dream.. .and you know what... it certainly didn't feel like it did when I was young and telling my story .... I remember being so excited when telling it... to be rich.. to buy anything you want... to be successful.... what happened?

Its about " when I grow up " ... it wasn't really about being rich, having anything and everything I wanted, it was about living my life to experience it... not just live it ! It was a hard pill to swallow.. but its true. I never want to loose my motto of " when I grow up " ... who the hell wants to grow up.. that's boring. I do want to continue experiencing ... taking risks, having dreams and keeping my feet on the ground at all times. I know that money, having that 'great' job and corporate success doesn't make you happy... what makes you happy is to have a dream of " when I grow up "....an experience to out beat your last experience! Thank you Mom for allowing me to dream.... standing behind me every step of the way and listening to all my stories of "when I grow up " .... just to let you know... " I will NEVER grow up if that means to let go of my dreams " .....oh yeah .. and sorry that your FAVOURITE son moved away from you.. .but I had this dream.....

Unleashed Energy

So last night I have a one man party...plugging in my ipod, grabbing some red juice... shut the blinds, and began dancing my ass off. Isn’t it funny how sexy you can be when your alone, looking into a mirror? My place is covered with mirrors... hey; I like to look at myself from every angle. Plus it makes light bounce to those dark corners of your place. Another trick I learned from HGTV.

So I’m dancing around, doing the best funky chicken that’s ever been attempted. I’m glancing in my mirror, just making sure everything that was supposed to be bouncing was, and what wasn’t ... well wasn’t! I’m not even going to get into how many glass of red wine it took to stop the staring at those parts that didn’t stop moving well after I stopped dancing!

I totally had myself tricked into thinking I had what it took to get out there and take on my past dream as a kid... to be a dancer. I had the moves, the shakes, everything seem to come together. I even made up moves that have yet to be named, but I know one day I will see those moves on a music video... it’s the story of my life people! I swear I was the first person to do the worm back in the day, but it more so from drinking too many beers and practicing my diving skills... yes I dove too! But have you ever tried diving on the ground? You HAVE to curve your body... thus the ‘worm’ was invented. You can only imagine my dismay when I heard about this new move the worm that all the 80’s break dancers were doing... all wrong mind you... where was the picnic table to take off from?!

Anyway I kept this up longer then I should have... it was a work night! I didn’t want to shut off the music or stop the dancing. It made me feel good, loads of energy was rushing through my body and mind. My imagination was going crazy, thinking of all the possibilities that life had to offer with my dance moves. I was in the zone of living a life that we all do when we are alone, and dancing.... we all do this right? Of course we do... some I’ve heard even grab a hair brush and sing into it... i tend to use an empty bottle of pop... its lighter and you don’t get a mouth full of hair... hate that!

Why is it that music can make us feel like this... plus a smidge of red wine?! I love those moments that you left yourself do those things that others might think you’re a fool for! Letting your guard down, doing what feels right, and not a care in the world. Giving yourself the go ahead to let your mind go to those places that we as adults think is a forbidden place. Crazy that when we get older we don’t allow ourselves to have fun, kick back and let loose. We are way too serious about life....too worried about having the best career, car, house and appearance... all those things they say we don’t take with us when we die, but yet we all want!

I say let your guard down; enjoy the moment and your surroundings. If it just takes shutting your blinds, opening a bottle of red, turning up the iPod and dropping your pants... do it! I guess I didn’t mention I was in my underwear eh? Well, if it’s good enough for Tom Cruise in Risky Business, then it’s good enough for me! So next time you get stressed... or worried... turn up the music and dance like it’s your last dance. My only regret of the evening was not wearing better supporting underwear... man if anyone was around me I swear I could have taken them out with my left nut!

The Underbrush

I was bored one night, and a few glass of red into it, when it suddenly hit me.... SHAVE every bit of your body hair... oh yes, it was a great thought. You will look younger, more cut and smooth as a baby. Now everyone knows that babies are new and fresh.... so why not! Why not nothing ... you don’t even know my pain... or itch!

I’m in my bathroom, all buck naked and staring at my hairy being... struggling to get my clippers out without taking even one peak at my sheer whiteness. Every morning I do end up taking a peak at my body as I jump in the shower... who doesn’t! I also quickly put on a healthy layer of soap to cover up my vision of this big white ass that always seems to trail behind me ... in a southern tilt! I can always remember saying to my mom that I wish I didn’t have a big butt, and her reply would always be ... be thankful you have a butt.. Most guys don’t! What she failed to think was my low activity level and how this big butt would become ... .well... like I said before... SOUTHERN TILTED.

My clippers in my hand and building up the courage to take a look at myself, I gently placed it against my skin... waiting for the little teeth to take hold of their intended victim! It was an event, to which I was prepared for... broom, dust pan and vacuum close by, as I did think there would be a lot of hair flying about! I certainly didn’t want a carpet of hair in my bathroom.... have you tried to sweep up hair of any kind... it’s not easy!

I started with my chest and worked my way down. I was making tracks, and designs all over my torso. It was enough to rival any Picasso! I did find out that taking on my chest hair was harder than expected. First you have this collar bone to work around... clippers seem to only like straight, flush lines... gotta watch yourself... but then after that, moving down you got these 2 nipple things that can easily be taking off if you’re not careful. I have never before had sensitive nipples, but when the buzz of the clippers came close they stop at attention... it was a feeling like nothing I had experienced before... okay I kinda liked it! WHATEVE!

So going south, I wondered how south I should go! It’s like a trip to a warmer destination... you want as far south as you can get... and trust me... I went due south! Now I thought the nipples were tricky, you ain’t seen tricky until you go south! I took it slowly with my hands shaking... come to think of it; I don’t even think I inhaled, for fear of a sudden movement. It’s like trimming a hedge and accidentally cutting the main branch.... not enough water would fix the damage if that happens! But never mind the hedge, there was the under brush.... couldn’t figure that out at all....do I clear cut, leave it alone! Needless to say.... the underbrush was left... didn’t have the courage!

So with all my hair laying on the floor, in between my toes, hanging off my legs, back and pretty much any place that had a surface. It was a mess.... I grabbed my broom and began to shovel the snow of hair in the dust pan. What a chore....have you done this? It seemed with every brush stroke, some hair landed in the pan, while others flew over the top! I’m itchy, naked and feeling very cold and vulnerable... much like I felt as a 10yr old. Well a 10yr old with a few more character lines... lines I didn’t even know I had. It was amazing to find out that hair is a good hider of flaws.... my flaws were now exposed!

So you are most likely wondering why I’m telling you this. It’s to help you make the same mistake as I have made. Having a thought that if taking off my body hair would make me feel smooth and younger, in fact did the exact opposite! I felt foolish and cold... I quickly jumped in the shower to get the tiny little hairs off me that was driving my back insane ... itchy, itchy, and itchy! I remember lathering up my new shaved body and found there was nothing for the lather of the soap to cling too. It just slid off as fast as I was putting it on! I think I was even had a bit of water beading like a new polished car! Just without the new car smell, or look!

It’s been well over a month, and I’m still waiting for my chia pet to come back! It’s been a very long road to recovery, both physically and emotionally. To have to look at my body daily while hoping in the shower is less pleasant then before, and my soaping pleasures lack the lustre of my previous hairy body. I really saw my body for what it was... old beaten up and tilting south! So don’t shave your body guys, it does nothing but make you look like a middle aged prepubescent white slab of cheese! Let’s not even mention the countless itches you get from little hairs, just tall enough to curl around and poke you back... I swear to god... these itches come at the strangest times. Try buying milk and running down the baking aisle to reach down and scratch like you’re trying to create fire! Just leave your hair, it’s there for a reason... to protect you from your flaws, keep you warm and give your twigs and berries grab that lather that area deserves!

Oh yeah if in doubt grow a beard to ensure you still have hair somewhere on your body!

Milking The Story

We all have a friend who .. Well thinks he knows it all, and says the funniest, yet strangest things .. ALL THE TIME! If any of my friends are thinking ... yes .. Wayne... you’re not funny! I have this friend who is fun to be around, just to hear some of the things he’s going to say, and then not say, or say... or not say! Well you get the idea! He’s the type that knows all about any topic, and don’t every argue with him, or you get the silent treatment. ( No it’s not anyone in my family either)!

Yesterday while Kayaking, these were some of the things he said that I thought I might as well share, seeing I have a blog and limited topics! He drove to my place, and then I took my car the rest of the way. While driving to the spot to dip the kayaks in, I asked him if he wanted to stop and grab a coffee and he of course said YES.. but then about a minute later said, Oh I haven’t got my wallet on me, I left it at home with 1500 cash in it! I looked at him and said, what? Cash, at home? He said ‘yes’! I said well I guess I’m buying the coffee, and I hope your place is burning down as we speak! Well he said this.. It doesn’t matter I just spent 600 dollars on cedar and built a pond on my balcony ( which is an enclosed patio btw), and the water would put out the fire! I thought to myself .. Sure if the fire is on the patio, by the pond!

So we have our coffee that I bought, and driving along and he tells me he’s been dating someone. So being somewhat interested I ask about details. To which I get the response, ‘they don’t know I smoke, but it’s alright I’m going to be a non smoker anyway’! So me thinking he quit, asked him if he quit, cuz I swear I saw a smoke hanging out of his mouth as we transferred the kayaks from his car to my car, but I played dumb. He said.. Well not yet, but if all goes well I will be! Nothing like holding on to having a relationship to quit smoking.. But if it works, he could make millions off this... get in a relationship and quit, the easy 3 step process... 1. Create your add on a single site... .2. Respond to all non smoking people... 3. Go out on a date and call it a relationship there you’re smoke free! Wish him luck though!

Anyway, we get to the water, and I get my lesson for the 100th time on how to kayak, and what the rules are. So I thought I would throw a curve ball at him, and ask where the life jackets were. (He never kayaks with them)! His response was ‘oh you don’t need them when you’re on inflatable kayaks, they will float’. Okay, after I stopped laughing and looked up at him, he had that look... oh yes this was going to be a very quiet trip, as I’ve pissed him off. So I just said... ‘You know what that makes sense’! Off we went in the water.

So we are paddling around, and he lights a smoke. Which is not unusual at all, he does this all the time when we got out. I laugh and look around to see if people are staring at a kayak that has smoke trailing from it, thinking its on fire! Good news, nobody around... phew! I guess quitting smoking doesn’t count if you’re off shore. Makes sense! Plus what’s it hurt when he flicks the butt into the water... it’s not like a fish is going to think that its food and eat it. I learned this from a previous conversation when I asked him not to flick his smoke into the water. He told me that fish are smart and would never mistake a butt for food! UUmmmm yeah your right... what was I thinking!

Anyway ... he also told me he was allergic to milk... this he just found out... and the next breath he said he was going to order Pizza tonight! Now I know what you’re thinking, did he really say this all at the same time... why yes he did... you have to keep on top of your toes when you talk to him... the conversation can flip at any time, and you better be ready for it. Sooooo I said, stupidly ... ‘oh, isn’t cheese made of milk’! Just trying to help him out if he was indeed allergic to milk; this was all new to him. Don’t worry though, cuz I guess cooked cheese doesn’t bother him..... Interesting to all those allergic to milk, just heat it up... IT’S A CURE! YAHOOO! The rest of kayaking I kept my mouth shut, and rolled my eyes ... A LOT!

So we are driving back to my place when he brings up politics (our fav subject), and he asks me if I’ve been following the summit in London. I wasn’t sure what I should say, as it was for 8hrs, cuz for all I knew he thought it was still going on. He brought up that it’s great that Obama made peace with France, and now its Canada’s turn to do the same! I KNOW... WHAT?! I couldn’t resist... I said in a blunt voice, ‘ We aren’t at odds with France’! But I guess we are after the whole Iraq war issue... I sometimes forget that it was Canada who started this war, and over there fighting to keep peace... stupid me! I didn’t have the heart, or energy to tell him that the US started that war, and that’s why France and they had a falling out! What does it hurt to have him think that Canada is at odds with France... after all we did bastardize their language... they should be pissed at us!

We can all relate to having people in our lives that are like this, and we all tolerate them for our own reasons. They provide entertaining conversation, and really make you think about your response, or just think about what they are saying. It’s great to stop and think before you reply.... it really cuts down on those chats that flow too easily. I learned a lot on this trip.. We are fighting with France, cheese if cooked doesn’t bother people who are allergic, and the best .. Fish don’t eat little orange butts that float on the water.... someone better tell those fishermen who use worms.... I mean fish aren’t stupid! Plus smoking off shore is totally kosher when you quit!

Hello God, it’s me Margaret

Wouldn’t it be great, if we really did know if there was a god? To know that after we die we head to a place that is white, fluffy and full of smiles. A place that never allowed negative thoughts, actions or gave you colds crabs or even a bad case of gas! Can you imagine ...smiles, giggles and chuckles up the ying yang? WOW I can’t wait...

From what I know, there is something after we die; I’m just confused as to what it is. For those that know me... “I see, hear, talk, and sleep with dead people”! Okay perhaps not sleep like you’re thinking, but once there was someone who came into my bed and curled up behind me! This was one of the few moments that truly scared me to death.... okay not death, or I wouldn’t be writing this now... but you get the idea!

So if Jesus was the son of this ‘god’, then there is a heaven, and from there I guess we get to take trips. Kinda like we do now when our lives get to hectic! We leave our place we live, go away to get rest, and then come back to the place that made us leave to begin with! (This could be another blog)! Anyway... I guess they take trips to see us... and torment people like me on their earth vacation! Which is strange cuz after spending years here, why would they want to come back? I have been to places before, over and over, and not had the desire to go back again... even in death I would assume! But the fact is they come back to visit and either play games, or give information that makes no sense.

Once I got this message to tell a daughter, that she was” sorry she didn’t believe her”. This all happened while I was painting my living room. Yeah I’m in the middle of cutting in, and this lady comes to me, says this and leaves! I stood thinking... wtf?!? Now in this instance I knew who this lady was, but had no idea how I was going to get this message to her daughter and in what manner... so what did I do you ask? I called my mom... like anyone would do. Told her, and she said she would try to mention it to a relative and perhaps that would pass it along... works for me! Mom’s always have the best solutions for colds, cuts and ghosts!

Then another time I was driving my car and looked in my rear view mirror and thought to myself... wow this Lady is riding my ass.... then looked again to figure out this lady was in my back seat! Just sitting there in her... for lack of a better term... 80’s cougar wear! Blonde hair frizzed out and feathered back with a large amount of make up on. I gasped and called my friend. Now don’t get me wrong I wasn’t scared at the ghost, I was scared at her appearance! You mean to tell me even in death you don’t get any style tips, or make over’s? If there really is a heaven, shouldn’t there be the ultimate make over... you know like the ‘swan’ program a few years ago, where they took butt ugly people and made them into someone else! All I know is, my heaven better consist of spas and sneak up on you makeover TV shows.... I want my butt to look so perky up on those clouds!

The most rewarding one thus far was the kid who killed himself and his friend 2 months later. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this suicide was the best thing that happened to me, but these boys were fun and full of energy like nobody else I’ve encountered. They came to me often, walked me through what they did and why, so I could pass that along to their family. They gave me names, items and acted out stories that only their family would know. It was incredible to have these boys come to me, as they were really the spirits that opened my eyes that YES there is something after we die! Again I’m not sure if it’s the heaven we think it is, but it’s another place. The funniest thing these boys did to me happened while I was napping on my couch, after a long day of eating! You know those sleeps where you are just sorta in limbo and aware of what is happening around you, but still aware that you are sleeping... anyway they were behind me and placing my finger in my mouth while I was snoring and laughing at my sucking on my finger every time I inhaled... due to the noise that made. I woke up and started laughing cuz my finger was in my mouth and the boys were laughing so hard. I yelled at them to get lost I’m trying to sleep to which they showed me their beards..... which I thought was strange, but it made more sense when I told the one boy’s mother what happened and she said they use to do that to their Dad when he fell asleep on the couch, and as for the beard thing... well his Dad had a beard and he always couldn’t wait to have one.... now he does! Which goes back to my other encounter with cougar lady... if there was a choice in hair.. .why the 80’s doo?!!!

I guess we will all find out at one point what happens after death... or perhaps we won’t, but either way I know there is something... whether it be heaven, or another dimension. I just want... where ever I go to be fun, full of smiles, and all white with a hint of black. After all my years of watching HGTV... it has told me that there must be black to give you grounding colour to make things pop! I want to be able to take earth vacations to watch people freak out when I appear.... now keep in mind, I won’t be jumping out at you in cars, curling up with you bed... but I most definitely will be peaking on you in the shower, alone in your room, or walking beside you when you enter the XXX store! After all, if I’m taking an earth vacation I’m going to make the most of it, and see all the sites I wasn’t able to see before... YOU!

Amen!

Paying for 9 lives

I have a co-worker who has this cat who is 19yrs old... YES, I said 19! I know it’s crazy to believe a cat could live this long, but her ball of matts has managed to survive! From what I’ve heard of this kitty, it’s extremely mean, and certainly not a lap cat... or even walking around your feet without hissing or biting. Who would want a cat such as this? Sherry would!

The cat began meowing at night... into the night air and at nothing in particular. Starting pissing all over the place and was getting even more matts then Susan’s inbox on singles sites! Sherry was desperately trying to figure out a solution for little fluffy... starting putting her in the garage so she could sing her song all night long, and not wake her up. Not to mention, allowing her to let her bowels go and not make too much of a mess... I guess it’s easy clean up on concrete, rather than carpet. Sherry thought this was the best solution until she brought the topic up at work. To me of all people....

She told the storey with her voice shaking, hair a mess and bags under her eyes... I guess it was a sleepless night with the cat songs! I was in shock that this cat was even alive then alone able to piss and meow in the garage. I told her she needed to take that kitty to the vet, so they could tell her that this cat is on its 9th life, and should be put down. The horror in her face when she realized that she will have to make the choice to kill her kitty... it was like telling someone that they have to put their kid down! I’ve been warned about cat people... strange bunch!

Sherry built up the courage to take the mean kitty to the vet to have that one last shot. She even bought a new carrier to put the ailing cat in... Just had to figure out a way to get a hold of the cat... she doesn’t like to be touched! But then again who wants to be touched when your hair is full of matts, and your bowels could explode at anytime! But she managed to get the cat in the carrier, and off to the doctors she drove. I’m sure with tears in her eyes and a beating heart so strong that the Natives thought the spirits of the dead were speaking to them!

Next thing you know Sherry is in the vet, and talking to the doctor. He says this cat shouldn’t be put down, and needs some tests, special food, and some B12 shots. He doesn’t think this kitty is dying at all... just a big case of kidney failure and good brushing! What does Sherry do you ask? Well she listens to the good doctor and a couple hundred dollars later walks out the door with her over priced food, medicine and new outlook on this 19yr old kitty! Off to the garage she sped!

So it’s been a week, and it’s time for Sherry to re-visit the good doctor for a check up on her kitty. I asked her how things were going, to which she said....’alright i guess’! Alright I shrieked, after all that only alright? Come on! When do you decide enough is enough and time to separate with your garage kitty? Now that she has invested hundreds of dollars, and let’s not mention time it takes to give the 19yr old kitty her medicine... when does she makes the ultimate choice of sending it to kitty heaven? It’s not like kidneys repair themselves with some pills, or B12 shots...

Sherry now has to decide how much further she is going to go with garage kitty. Already talking about getting a nice new kitten, but can’t until the matted one is dead. She is afraid she will eat a kitty... that’s how mean this cat is! So, Sherry will be off to the vet this week to get some shots to give this cat... or will she just give her garage kitty the ‘one’ shot it should be getting? Now keep in mind this is coming from the same person who said one day “Oh my god, I don’t think I fed my kids last night, I remember making myself a salad, but...oh no, I didn’t feed them”! I guess it’s alright to save garage kitty with hundreds of dollars, but to spend a couple bucks on dinner for the kids is out of the question! When do you decide to put a pet down, and take that time to feed your kids some dinner? Only Sherry really knows, but I’m hoping she does the right thing and feeds her family with a feast!

One a brighter note, her mother should be thankful, that when she gets older and her body is ailing, Sherry will take her in, spend all her money of pills. Although she will put her in the garage if she starts complaining to much .....

Flick the Switch

Below is a news feed from my Facebook Account... please read! It’s a status update, with comments from his friends.... brace yourself for the full face smack of STUPIDITY! I can't tell you how much my blood is boiling, my emotion in full on rage mode over this piece of work... I will now flick my lights for the entire night to ensure I'm making up for the stupid people of this world.



Dick Frick...... earth day schmearth day
Posted about an hour ago • Comment • LikeUnlike
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Martha idiotish at 8:49am March 28
I know exactly how u feel...with so much going on in the world..who the hell thinks of "earth day"?

Sam Smart at 8:54am March 28
Hello??! It doesn't cost a thing to celebrate earth day people! And you can still be mindful of other things going on in the world... while it's still here.

Martha idiotish at 8:59am March 28
I know Sioban!..I have an eight year old at home, so I will be doing the "hour" thing, just because I think its important to him...but I, as an adult, know that there are more important things to think about.

Dick Frick at 9:01am March 28
dimming my lights for an hour will not cure AIDS, world starvation or kill Geo. W. Bush....while it may save my landlord 3cents...it's not high on MY list of priorities.

Joe Right at 9:19am March 28
You *could* save some hydro or you could ride the bitter bus with Darryl. ;)

Dick Frick at 9:20am March 28
i'm nothing if not bitter

“So much happening in the world, and who thinks about earth day”... uummm firstly there wouldn’t be much happening in the world if we didn’t have one! I don’t think using less of our resources is contributing to disease, famine or even a old president. Its our narrow minded thoughts and actions that are raising the stakes in our life and how we live it.

The youth of today have it right, they understand about the impact we have on our earth, and how we abuse it in our daily routine in life. To leave your lights on creates Co2 that goes into our atmosphere and creates a barrier to prevent heat from escaping our atmosphere... thus making ice melt in the arctic, weather patterns changing all over the globe which is creating famine by not allowing us to grow the food to feed the billions we have here. Then what about the funds we are using to prevent this global devastation that could be better used to find the cure for aids and other diseases. Its costing billions around the globe to figure out how to keep the polar ice from melting, weather patterns changing, and releasing energy from our atmosphere, yet turning out lights cost’s nothing, but saves billions.... sounds too easy for some I guess!

I personally want to shove a light bulb up their ass and flick the switch to ‘on’ and see what happens. They can feel their insides getting warm, then burning , something like our earth must feels on a daily basis! Can you imagine if the world could speak, what it would be saying to us? Although if we look around we can see what its saying... its telling us we are killing it! Yes killing it, just like that news feed killed me to think that Canadians actually think like this... then again they are from Toronto! Looking at concrete all day makes you forget that outside an urban centre there is green living skylines that are more appealing to look at then lit up buildings, and neon signs.

Its always the most simple idea’s that make the biggest difference, and this is brilliant. To be against this because you think your landlord will save money, or it doesn’t cure disease, or even a president of a country is utterly ridiculous. It’s about saving this world, our lifestyle and handing it over to the future generations the way we were handed it ... in working condition!

Ageless Wonder

It all started when I spotted my first gray hair on my chin a couple years ago, I knew it had started… the good bye to youth and hello to middle age. It didn’t even sneak up on me: I just woke up and there they were…. Not 1, 2 or even 3 hairs… there was a patch. How does a patch of gray appear throughout the night? Was it a dream that scared me? Perhaps I was fooling myself prior, thinking they were blonde… I’m not sure... but all I knew was this was the first day that I was becoming a man… not a man, man, but my Dad Man … OLD !

It quickly started to run downhill from there, it seemed like every morning I was inspecting myself to see what else was shifting, dropping or disappearing. I was changing faster then superman in a telephone booth. I would try sucking it in throughout the day to prevent others from noticing my mid section, thighs, and chin. Have you ever tried to suck in your chin? It can be done... just clench your jaw and lift your tongue to the roof of your mouth... its amazing how much lift you can get from this simple trick…. The only problem... once you speak it lets go and pretty much bounces back to its resting position with 2 slight ripples in the process.

My biggest fear in getting older is not being able to do the things that I use to do when I was younger…. Until I figured out… you can still do those things, they just take longer... like sometimes days or weeks longer, but it’s the changes in your body that really hurt. Your hips begin to spread apart… not really sure why they were doing this, until I figured out they must be making room for my longer then normal ball sack. Yes they do fall guys… its horrible. Sitting on them, crossing legs begins to be a challenge and even boxer shorts are not to be worn unless you don’t mind them sticking to your inner thigh.
Anyway... the hips adjust, the hair turns gray, your chin drops and your thighs rub your ball sack… what else do I have to look forward too? Not even going to mention bad back, sore ankles, eyes, nose and ear hair, saying good bye to those spontaneous boners, or even the topography that fixes itself on your forehead... the list goes on!

The point is, everyone goes through this, and you can’t stop it. Its not like I expected to look like I’m 30 in my 90’s… but you never think this is going to happen to you! But as the years go on, each of these issue’s get greater… so I can only imagine what this will all look like in 10, 20, Or even 30yrs… I guess I better start saving for a personal assistant… to hold menus for me, so I can read, to help me out of bed due to my bad back, assist me up and down stairs, colour my hair, or shave my face… and to carry my ball sack, so I don’t trip over it and cause more damage to my ailing aging body!

GPS- Goodluck Positioning Self !

After seeing how cheap cars were, I decided that I was going to get a new car rather than buy out my lease on Thomas the Tank (the name of my Matrix). Sure he did well for me, got me to all my places, didn’t break down, was cheap on gas and had enough room for all my camping supplies.... but it was time to trade the beast in and get a new smelling sports –ish car! (Will explain that later)!

When I was looking at my new car and making the choice of colour, options and all that fun stuff. I noticed that this thing came with GPS. Well if anyone knows me I can get lost going to another floor in an apt building. So I inquired about it, and was quickly laughed at. I guess you can go buy them from any store for a couple hundred dollars, and this thing was a 2K option. So being cheap I decided against it! The next day I called back and placed my order for the GPS in this car. I figured a guy needed a toy and why not.... NEVER get lost again! It was the most expensive toy I bought in ages... well if you don’t count that growing cream I was tried that gave me a bad rash... but anyway!

So after picking up my car at the dealership, I decided this was a good option to put the GPS on, and follow it home. “DING, please proceed and your driving options will start” said that nice lady. She speaks with an American accent and repeats herself like my grandmother’s stories. But I started on my way, even though I knew the route. I was shocked when she told me to turn left well before I knew I was suppose too... at first I thought this lady is DRUNK... but like anyone drunk I follow!

So making all my turns, proceed this many km’s I arrived in farm land area at a dead end... the nice Lady came on and told me to turn right. Now there was a problem with this... well a couple of them... first there was a house to my right at this dead end, and it s a new car... I wasn’t going to just drive thru the house cuz the nice Lady told me too... I’m not stupid! So I called her a dumb bitch and turned around.

The next thing I knew this Lady came on at the next stop and told me to turn right. I thought... boy she really likes her ‘right’ turns... but I followed AGAIN. To which she said please follow this road another 6 km’s. I have to admit not turning another right made me happy, but this was an area I wasn’t too familiar with. Then I figured it out ... that bitch took me to Surrey.... why did she take me there... did she have a death wish I wondered? Now remember I’m in a black sports car with tinted windows so dark you can’t see nothing.... in Surrey ... we all have heard of the gang war’s happening..... So anyway... I flexed my cheeks waiting for a bullet to zip thru my beautiful face, and took the first road that looked familiar to me... I needed to get on the highway QUICKLY!

Anyway... I decided it was a good idea to not listen to the bitch yelling at me every 5 seconds to make a U-turn, and turn left. Sure I was happy she didn’t say right, but left meant heading back to Surrey, and I wasn’t going to be doing that. Sure I’ve wanted to be the headliner of the news, but not the 20th shooting victim in the lower mainland... I don’t look good in a yellow tarp with one arm sticking out ... hhhmm wonder if it would be right or left arm... but anyway...

The point is... GPS sounds great, and its suppose to get you to your destination with little problems and a lot of ease, but only if you want to make a drive thru of someone’s house, get shot in gang wars, and continually turn ‘right’ and make U-turns back to the war zone! My death wish Lady is with me for the long haul... it’s the only women I will be keeping in my life for that long, so I have to name her... .ideas?

Versatile Vegetable

I was lying down on my bed when it hit me... zucchini! I had one in my fridge from my grocery adventure earlier this week. It was fresh, firm and big..... Enough to do the trick. When you are in a pintch you have to use your imagination, and let’s be honest... when we purchase a zucchini its pretty much for one purpose.

So I run to my fridge to grab that beautiful piece of goodness. It was there, in my crisper....still hard and fresh as the first day I laid eyes on it at the store. Not one mark, bruise or defect... it was perfect... the most beautiful zucchini I’ve ever had. It was larger than most I’ve bought in the past, and knew it was up for the challenge.

I jumped in the shower and soaped up my body, quite excited about my plans with this vegetable. I really had to hurry though, as I wanted it to still be cold, fresh and firm. I kept giggling in anticipation! I had to keep my level of enthusiasm to a minimum, as I wanted to ensure I was properly clean and presentable.

All towelled off and ready to go, I grabbed it..... Still fresh and cold. I thought I’d better wrap it up first, so nothing got damaged. I grabbed a vegetable bag and gently placed it in the bottom and began wrapping it up... making certain not to bruise the flesh... I took my time. The smile on my face grew and I think a few giggles escaped from my mouth! Indeed they did! Game on!

It didn’t take long to drive my zucchini to the intended destination. I made sure I was driving it slow and carefully so that nothing would harm me, or my zucchini. I swear I had to turn up my music so I could scream with excitement and not look like a freak by just screaming for all to hear. So anyway... I made it ... it worked ... did the trick ... my friend opened the door to her house, and I proudly handed over my zucchini as my offering to her dinner party.

Sure other’s brought a DQ ice cream cake, but that’s high in fat... a zucchini is a crowd favourite. It s goes with anything on the menu...so next time you’re running around late for a dinner party, open the crisper grab a zucchini ... it’s a versatile vegetable!

Get out of that Jell-O Tree

Sometimes, at night... when the crickets go to sleep…in the summer … in my bedroom… under the covers… I FART... it shakes my ass sooooooo much it looks like jello.


Then I get hungry… from my Jell-O fart… lift the covers…. It smells sooooo bad…Underwear has a hole in it …. Could be from my fart …. Not sure

I touch myself

The Man-Toe

So much has been said about a camel toe, but rarely has there been mention of the Man Toe! The tight fitting pants of the male gender that proudly shows off how the Good's of god which has graced them with either a very large bag or big dick.

It’s not really been around since the skinny jeans of the 80’s, but as any style we create, there is a resurgence of the man meat sausage fest. You can’t help but notice, or stare in some cases. Whether it be for jealousy, or intrigue it’s obviously laid out for display and viewing purposes. We live in a society that prides themselves on visual representation.

What I can’t grasp is having it vacuumed sealed between your legs. I know for a fact that when I sit a certain way that causes any restriction… it goes numb… YES I SAID NUMB. It’s a fact of life for a guy… and if you don’t believe me try squeezing your arm for a while and tell me it doesn’t get the tingles.
Anyway, we see these guys walking around, proudly displaying themselves for anyone in eye shot. I can’t help but look, point, stare and even gasp when visually accosted by the Man Toe. I figure why else do they wear tight jeans and strategically place their manhood, if they didn’t want people to take a head swinging glance.

The image I can’t get out of my mind is when you can tell if they are circumcised, what nut is bigger then the other, and which way they hang. It’s your privates for a reason, to remain private until you unleash your beast on your partner. Unfortunately some guys don’t get it! It’s not a nice sight to see 2 poached eggs and sausage scramble together, and that my friend is the Man Toe.

Please stop this visual raping of my mind. The dink at the best of times is not an attractive organ, and to smash it between your legs in a tight pair of jeans doesn’t enhance the appeal. The Male Toe is too much for most, not ever talked about, but does exsist…. I just plead with all Man Toe’es …lighten up the package, give some breathing room, and go home and release the hound!

Random Email Threads

Technology today has changed the way we communicate and interact with our peers, co-worker, friends, lovers, parents and YES even strangers. To be tucked away in your private sanctuary, relaxing legs up with only underwear, we all communicate via email or by computer chat to multiple people through the day. Okay perhaps at work we are dressed .. but once we are home its, game on! Allowing twigs and berries to rest freely and grab some well deserved fresh air! I don’t know about you but having them all bunched up for those 8hrs a day is a killer of cleanliness.

It’s always a hoot to figure out where an email chain will end, or a conversation over chat. I tend to try and grab any random thought, idea, or comment and hit my reply. Some times it has nothing to do with the original msg I’ve received. It’s called throwing a curve ball and see who hits it back to you, and how fast. It’s a kick in the pants to see how people react and respond to your random comment. I’ve been known to have the most bizarre thoughts and comments.. and this is either in front of a computer or person. Reaction is key, shock value is paramount and communication is vital.. no matter what direction or direction’s it takes !

I’m about to share with you a little piece of how my mind works with emails. The intended email was nothing more then a nice to know bit of information about a weather update, which quickly turned into LOL, LMAO, and even HAHAHAHA! I’ve blocked the name of this person, and other details as there are some private details that don’t need to be shared. Yes.. even I have the common sense to censor in the name of sensitive subject matter. (Take for instant my pickle jar story)! I find this email thread humorous in the way it went from weather, font sizes, to weight loss goals. Its just interesting how technology has allowed everyone to be true, real and raw… although I’ve never had a problem with this in person.. but then again I’m not MOST PEOPLE.

PLEASE READ BOTTOM TO TOP !

_____________________________________________
From: Bella Stella
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Wayne Redmond
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo


LOL no I'm gonna buy a tight butt pair of jeans and never get out of them…then paint and clip my toes and I do do the clipping, but it's not pretty..i want more to be able not to have to ask for a freaking seatbelt extension on an airplane and sit in a chair with arms and not be afeared that when I get up, the chair will come with me..

I kinda put this goal with my ******…once I'm going to below 200 which I don't think I've seen since umm hmmm yeah that long..anyhow, that's what it is

Ok so I've told you the innermost deepest darkest thing ever…..i must trust you a lot cuz seriously no one has a clue what I weigh


_____________________________________________
From: Wayne Redmond
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009 12:34 PM
To: Bella Stella
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

That’s a good goal shoot for .. Will this mean you are going to paint your toes and clip them when you achieve it?

_____________________________________________
From: Bella Stella
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Wayne Redmond
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

Oh you made me laugh hahahahah

Ok here it is…fainting is permitted - ***** omg I just said it

I swear wayne, I will be at least 50 less by the end of the year, if not more - that's what I'm shooting for


_____________________________________________
From: Wayne Redmond
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Bella Stella
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?

_____________________________________________
From: Bella Stella
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Wayne Redmond
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

I'm sorry

Wut?

_____________________________________________
From: Wayne Redmond
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Bella Stella
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

How much do you weigh?

_____________________________________________
From: Bella Stella
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Wayne Redmond
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

Well I sure as hell am not sharing my poundage, so measure it is…oy vay - back to therapy I think

_____________________________________________
From: Wayne Redmond
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Bella Stella
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

Its measure or weigh.. Which do u prefer? I love tracking things .. Its in my blood !

_____________________________________________
From: Bella Stella
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Wayne Redmond
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

I don't know if we know each other well enough for measuring hahahah

I didn't say I was going to buy the pies LOL..

_____________________________________________
From: Wayne Redmond
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Bella Stella
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

Uummmm you are going to buy nothing but veggies and fruit ! I can't wait to measure you weekly !

_____________________________________________
From: Bella Stella
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Wayne Redmond
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

Possibly, I'm going tomorrow after work, I'll have to find them. My cart is going to be so stuffed woohoo

_____________________________________________
From: Wayne Redmond
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Bella Stella
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

I suspect they are still in the store? No?

_____________________________________________
From: Bella Stella
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Wayne Redmond
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

Did you know Sunday is rub your favourite person who lives on Kingsway's feet day? And where are my pies???

_____________________________________________
From: Wayne Redmond
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Bella Stella
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

Well I will have to find someone else's car to surprise wash… after all its 'surprise carwash Saturday' .. Always the saturday after St Paddy's… duh !

_____________________________________________
From: Bella Stella
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Wayne Redmond
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

Ohhh shoot now I suppose you're gonna back out on me thanks..thanks a lot

_____________________________________________
From: Wayne Redmond
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Bella Stella
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

What… how did you find out? This was suppose to be a surprise … now its ruined !

_____________________________________________
From: Bella Stella
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Wayne Redmond
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

Woohooo does it ever - perfect time for you to wash my car!

_____________________________________________
From: Wayne Redmond
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Bella Stella
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

Wow…. Saturday looks awesome ! …

_____________________________________________
From: Bella Stella
Sent: Thursday, March 19
To: Wayne Redmond
Subject: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo



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