I was thinking today while out and about for Canada Day about some of my fears. Not sure why I was thinking about this, other then climbing mountains with steep sides that if you made one wrong move... down you went! Btw I HATE HEIGHTS! So that got me to thinking .. when and how did this fear come to be. I mean I use to stand in front of my full length mirror as a child ( yes even as a child I had mirrors)... and step on the brown 2 step stool and think.. I WANT TO BE THIS TALL ! If you knew my family, you will know why I was wanting to be tall.... they are short people and I didn't want to be short.... plus I talked my brother into him believing he was a dwarf. Oh yes I did... my mother had to take him to the doctors so that he could tell him he's not a dwarf, he's just SHORT ! Anyway....I stood on that thing for hours on end... I guess willing myself to be tall. I think it worked cuz I'm pretty much the tallest out of my entire family and I'm not even tall!
So, how did it happen that from this... I am afraid of heights. I remember the highland games use to come to our town every summer and along with that, came the fair rides. The biggest ride we had was the Ferris wheel... they had it so it stood by the public pool.. it was white with red trim... oh yes I still remember! I use to watch people get on those buckets and have a twirl on that big wheel and was in awe of it all... UNTIL .. it was my turn to get on that ride. I guess I missed the idea of rocking the bucket from all my hours of watching others.... I put my ass down.. they slapped the bar across the seat and a way I went. Moving backwards and upwards..as you got to the top I swear I wet my pants! I was so scared .. never letting go of the bar and screaming for everyone not to move. Yeah like that was going to happen... it didn't matter if anyone moved when the bucket came down it automatically slipped back and your feet went up... I thought I was going to slip out the back and land on the gravel ground... what a way to die I thought.. in front of all these people eating candy apples and hot dogs!
I never went back on this ride for fear of dying.. slipping out at the top and tumbling my little fat ass to the bottom. Now don't get me wrong.. I use to watch my friends and family go on it and be amazed they weren't crying! I would watch for that damn bucket to move and then think... this is it.. I'm going to witness someone's death... or perhaps them screaming. Nooooo that wasn't the case... the only reaction I got from them was laughs and giggle's... How could anyone on that wheel of death giggle.... they were all hero's in my eyes! I'm sure it was a normal height for this ride... but to me.. coming from a small town... when you can see the entire length of the swimming pool and the little bodies in it swimming.. well I might as well have been on the empire state building.. I could even see my house from the top! I was raised by short people, who were really close to the ground, so for me to be at this height... well gesh! I didn't even like looking out my bedroom window after that point... as it was on the 2nd floor.
As I got older I knew how to avoid heights... NEVER LEAVE THE GROUND! It wasn't like the town I grew up in had any high rise buildings, or rather large platforms to get up on anyway. I use to go to the park and play on the 'child's seats' as we called them... a set of swings that you strap into, put the cross bar down and it goes in a circle. I use to pretend this was the Ferris wheel... face your fear Wayne... get your friends to really push you around fast so you would bolt to the sky. As I screamed for them to push faster.. it never much scared me... but only made my dewy tingle... not sure why but after a certain height on this.. I would scream to stop as my dewy was really tingling and I had to make it stop. I still sometimes get that same feeling when I ride the pirate ship! You know the one where you swing back and forth... and my fear on that is... the damn tire at the bottom that gets you going will blow and I will be lifted right up and over and fall out.... yes still to this day... you will never catch me on that damn ride! Sooooo.. back to me and my attempt to over come my fear of heights at the park..... it didn't work! The fear was still there when I reached a certain height and my signal was .. my dink would tingle. I use to get my friends to keep trying all the time... but looking back on it now.. not sure if it was for getting over fear... or perhaps I just liked that tingle feeling!
So today having climbing those mountains, it really brought back my fear of heights. I got goose bumps when I looked down... I would have to pause and collect myself before moving on. Its horrible... at my age I should have this fear anymore.....I don't worry about it in my day to day life.... I go in planes all the time, and I'm the first who wants a window seat to look out. Why no fear there... now that's high! I guess my mind can't understand that kind of height... or perhaps my dewy doesn't tingle to let me know.... its time to get off ! I figure if this fear doesn't stop me from doing the things I love, then its all good. I still will look over and edge... I still will climb a mountain... I still will get on the top of a ladder... I still will enjoy the view .... hhhhmmmm maybe I'm just waiting for that tingle .... but at my age... that tingle doesn't happen as much as it use too!
There's really no meaning to this blog at all... well other then tomorrow I'm heading to the park to see if I can get that tingly feeling back...gesh I miss that tingle, now its only dizziness and goose bumps... I hate getting older.... oh did I mention my other fear of getting older....... the above meaning will explain why that is .....
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