Unleashed Energy

So last night I have a one man party...plugging in my ipod, grabbing some red juice... shut the blinds, and began dancing my ass off. Isn’t it funny how sexy you can be when your alone, looking into a mirror? My place is covered with mirrors... hey; I like to look at myself from every angle. Plus it makes light bounce to those dark corners of your place. Another trick I learned from HGTV.

So I’m dancing around, doing the best funky chicken that’s ever been attempted. I’m glancing in my mirror, just making sure everything that was supposed to be bouncing was, and what wasn’t ... well wasn’t! I’m not even going to get into how many glass of red wine it took to stop the staring at those parts that didn’t stop moving well after I stopped dancing!

I totally had myself tricked into thinking I had what it took to get out there and take on my past dream as a kid... to be a dancer. I had the moves, the shakes, everything seem to come together. I even made up moves that have yet to be named, but I know one day I will see those moves on a music video... it’s the story of my life people! I swear I was the first person to do the worm back in the day, but it more so from drinking too many beers and practicing my diving skills... yes I dove too! But have you ever tried diving on the ground? You HAVE to curve your body... thus the ‘worm’ was invented. You can only imagine my dismay when I heard about this new move the worm that all the 80’s break dancers were doing... all wrong mind you... where was the picnic table to take off from?!

Anyway I kept this up longer then I should have... it was a work night! I didn’t want to shut off the music or stop the dancing. It made me feel good, loads of energy was rushing through my body and mind. My imagination was going crazy, thinking of all the possibilities that life had to offer with my dance moves. I was in the zone of living a life that we all do when we are alone, and dancing.... we all do this right? Of course we do... some I’ve heard even grab a hair brush and sing into it... i tend to use an empty bottle of pop... its lighter and you don’t get a mouth full of hair... hate that!

Why is it that music can make us feel like this... plus a smidge of red wine?! I love those moments that you left yourself do those things that others might think you’re a fool for! Letting your guard down, doing what feels right, and not a care in the world. Giving yourself the go ahead to let your mind go to those places that we as adults think is a forbidden place. Crazy that when we get older we don’t allow ourselves to have fun, kick back and let loose. We are way too serious about life....too worried about having the best career, car, house and appearance... all those things they say we don’t take with us when we die, but yet we all want!

I say let your guard down; enjoy the moment and your surroundings. If it just takes shutting your blinds, opening a bottle of red, turning up the iPod and dropping your pants... do it! I guess I didn’t mention I was in my underwear eh? Well, if it’s good enough for Tom Cruise in Risky Business, then it’s good enough for me! So next time you get stressed... or worried... turn up the music and dance like it’s your last dance. My only regret of the evening was not wearing better supporting underwear... man if anyone was around me I swear I could have taken them out with my left nut!

The Underbrush

I was bored one night, and a few glass of red into it, when it suddenly hit me.... SHAVE every bit of your body hair... oh yes, it was a great thought. You will look younger, more cut and smooth as a baby. Now everyone knows that babies are new and fresh.... so why not! Why not nothing ... you don’t even know my pain... or itch!

I’m in my bathroom, all buck naked and staring at my hairy being... struggling to get my clippers out without taking even one peak at my sheer whiteness. Every morning I do end up taking a peak at my body as I jump in the shower... who doesn’t! I also quickly put on a healthy layer of soap to cover up my vision of this big white ass that always seems to trail behind me ... in a southern tilt! I can always remember saying to my mom that I wish I didn’t have a big butt, and her reply would always be ... be thankful you have a butt.. Most guys don’t! What she failed to think was my low activity level and how this big butt would become ... .well... like I said before... SOUTHERN TILTED.

My clippers in my hand and building up the courage to take a look at myself, I gently placed it against my skin... waiting for the little teeth to take hold of their intended victim! It was an event, to which I was prepared for... broom, dust pan and vacuum close by, as I did think there would be a lot of hair flying about! I certainly didn’t want a carpet of hair in my bathroom.... have you tried to sweep up hair of any kind... it’s not easy!

I started with my chest and worked my way down. I was making tracks, and designs all over my torso. It was enough to rival any Picasso! I did find out that taking on my chest hair was harder than expected. First you have this collar bone to work around... clippers seem to only like straight, flush lines... gotta watch yourself... but then after that, moving down you got these 2 nipple things that can easily be taking off if you’re not careful. I have never before had sensitive nipples, but when the buzz of the clippers came close they stop at attention... it was a feeling like nothing I had experienced before... okay I kinda liked it! WHATEVE!

So going south, I wondered how south I should go! It’s like a trip to a warmer destination... you want as far south as you can get... and trust me... I went due south! Now I thought the nipples were tricky, you ain’t seen tricky until you go south! I took it slowly with my hands shaking... come to think of it; I don’t even think I inhaled, for fear of a sudden movement. It’s like trimming a hedge and accidentally cutting the main branch.... not enough water would fix the damage if that happens! But never mind the hedge, there was the under brush.... couldn’t figure that out at all....do I clear cut, leave it alone! Needless to say.... the underbrush was left... didn’t have the courage!

So with all my hair laying on the floor, in between my toes, hanging off my legs, back and pretty much any place that had a surface. It was a mess.... I grabbed my broom and began to shovel the snow of hair in the dust pan. What a chore....have you done this? It seemed with every brush stroke, some hair landed in the pan, while others flew over the top! I’m itchy, naked and feeling very cold and vulnerable... much like I felt as a 10yr old. Well a 10yr old with a few more character lines... lines I didn’t even know I had. It was amazing to find out that hair is a good hider of flaws.... my flaws were now exposed!

So you are most likely wondering why I’m telling you this. It’s to help you make the same mistake as I have made. Having a thought that if taking off my body hair would make me feel smooth and younger, in fact did the exact opposite! I felt foolish and cold... I quickly jumped in the shower to get the tiny little hairs off me that was driving my back insane ... itchy, itchy, and itchy! I remember lathering up my new shaved body and found there was nothing for the lather of the soap to cling too. It just slid off as fast as I was putting it on! I think I was even had a bit of water beading like a new polished car! Just without the new car smell, or look!

It’s been well over a month, and I’m still waiting for my chia pet to come back! It’s been a very long road to recovery, both physically and emotionally. To have to look at my body daily while hoping in the shower is less pleasant then before, and my soaping pleasures lack the lustre of my previous hairy body. I really saw my body for what it was... old beaten up and tilting south! So don’t shave your body guys, it does nothing but make you look like a middle aged prepubescent white slab of cheese! Let’s not even mention the countless itches you get from little hairs, just tall enough to curl around and poke you back... I swear to god... these itches come at the strangest times. Try buying milk and running down the baking aisle to reach down and scratch like you’re trying to create fire! Just leave your hair, it’s there for a reason... to protect you from your flaws, keep you warm and give your twigs and berries grab that lather that area deserves!

Oh yeah if in doubt grow a beard to ensure you still have hair somewhere on your body!

Milking The Story

We all have a friend who .. Well thinks he knows it all, and says the funniest, yet strangest things .. ALL THE TIME! If any of my friends are thinking ... yes .. Wayne... you’re not funny! I have this friend who is fun to be around, just to hear some of the things he’s going to say, and then not say, or say... or not say! Well you get the idea! He’s the type that knows all about any topic, and don’t every argue with him, or you get the silent treatment. ( No it’s not anyone in my family either)!

Yesterday while Kayaking, these were some of the things he said that I thought I might as well share, seeing I have a blog and limited topics! He drove to my place, and then I took my car the rest of the way. While driving to the spot to dip the kayaks in, I asked him if he wanted to stop and grab a coffee and he of course said YES.. but then about a minute later said, Oh I haven’t got my wallet on me, I left it at home with 1500 cash in it! I looked at him and said, what? Cash, at home? He said ‘yes’! I said well I guess I’m buying the coffee, and I hope your place is burning down as we speak! Well he said this.. It doesn’t matter I just spent 600 dollars on cedar and built a pond on my balcony ( which is an enclosed patio btw), and the water would put out the fire! I thought to myself .. Sure if the fire is on the patio, by the pond!

So we have our coffee that I bought, and driving along and he tells me he’s been dating someone. So being somewhat interested I ask about details. To which I get the response, ‘they don’t know I smoke, but it’s alright I’m going to be a non smoker anyway’! So me thinking he quit, asked him if he quit, cuz I swear I saw a smoke hanging out of his mouth as we transferred the kayaks from his car to my car, but I played dumb. He said.. Well not yet, but if all goes well I will be! Nothing like holding on to having a relationship to quit smoking.. But if it works, he could make millions off this... get in a relationship and quit, the easy 3 step process... 1. Create your add on a single site... .2. Respond to all non smoking people... 3. Go out on a date and call it a relationship there you’re smoke free! Wish him luck though!

Anyway, we get to the water, and I get my lesson for the 100th time on how to kayak, and what the rules are. So I thought I would throw a curve ball at him, and ask where the life jackets were. (He never kayaks with them)! His response was ‘oh you don’t need them when you’re on inflatable kayaks, they will float’. Okay, after I stopped laughing and looked up at him, he had that look... oh yes this was going to be a very quiet trip, as I’ve pissed him off. So I just said... ‘You know what that makes sense’! Off we went in the water.

So we are paddling around, and he lights a smoke. Which is not unusual at all, he does this all the time when we got out. I laugh and look around to see if people are staring at a kayak that has smoke trailing from it, thinking its on fire! Good news, nobody around... phew! I guess quitting smoking doesn’t count if you’re off shore. Makes sense! Plus what’s it hurt when he flicks the butt into the water... it’s not like a fish is going to think that its food and eat it. I learned this from a previous conversation when I asked him not to flick his smoke into the water. He told me that fish are smart and would never mistake a butt for food! UUmmmm yeah your right... what was I thinking!

Anyway ... he also told me he was allergic to milk... this he just found out... and the next breath he said he was going to order Pizza tonight! Now I know what you’re thinking, did he really say this all at the same time... why yes he did... you have to keep on top of your toes when you talk to him... the conversation can flip at any time, and you better be ready for it. Sooooo I said, stupidly ... ‘oh, isn’t cheese made of milk’! Just trying to help him out if he was indeed allergic to milk; this was all new to him. Don’t worry though, cuz I guess cooked cheese doesn’t bother him..... Interesting to all those allergic to milk, just heat it up... IT’S A CURE! YAHOOO! The rest of kayaking I kept my mouth shut, and rolled my eyes ... A LOT!

So we are driving back to my place when he brings up politics (our fav subject), and he asks me if I’ve been following the summit in London. I wasn’t sure what I should say, as it was for 8hrs, cuz for all I knew he thought it was still going on. He brought up that it’s great that Obama made peace with France, and now its Canada’s turn to do the same! I KNOW... WHAT?! I couldn’t resist... I said in a blunt voice, ‘ We aren’t at odds with France’! But I guess we are after the whole Iraq war issue... I sometimes forget that it was Canada who started this war, and over there fighting to keep peace... stupid me! I didn’t have the heart, or energy to tell him that the US started that war, and that’s why France and they had a falling out! What does it hurt to have him think that Canada is at odds with France... after all we did bastardize their language... they should be pissed at us!

We can all relate to having people in our lives that are like this, and we all tolerate them for our own reasons. They provide entertaining conversation, and really make you think about your response, or just think about what they are saying. It’s great to stop and think before you reply.... it really cuts down on those chats that flow too easily. I learned a lot on this trip.. We are fighting with France, cheese if cooked doesn’t bother people who are allergic, and the best .. Fish don’t eat little orange butts that float on the water.... someone better tell those fishermen who use worms.... I mean fish aren’t stupid! Plus smoking off shore is totally kosher when you quit!

Hello God, it’s me Margaret

Wouldn’t it be great, if we really did know if there was a god? To know that after we die we head to a place that is white, fluffy and full of smiles. A place that never allowed negative thoughts, actions or gave you colds crabs or even a bad case of gas! Can you imagine ...smiles, giggles and chuckles up the ying yang? WOW I can’t wait...

From what I know, there is something after we die; I’m just confused as to what it is. For those that know me... “I see, hear, talk, and sleep with dead people”! Okay perhaps not sleep like you’re thinking, but once there was someone who came into my bed and curled up behind me! This was one of the few moments that truly scared me to death.... okay not death, or I wouldn’t be writing this now... but you get the idea!

So if Jesus was the son of this ‘god’, then there is a heaven, and from there I guess we get to take trips. Kinda like we do now when our lives get to hectic! We leave our place we live, go away to get rest, and then come back to the place that made us leave to begin with! (This could be another blog)! Anyway... I guess they take trips to see us... and torment people like me on their earth vacation! Which is strange cuz after spending years here, why would they want to come back? I have been to places before, over and over, and not had the desire to go back again... even in death I would assume! But the fact is they come back to visit and either play games, or give information that makes no sense.

Once I got this message to tell a daughter, that she was” sorry she didn’t believe her”. This all happened while I was painting my living room. Yeah I’m in the middle of cutting in, and this lady comes to me, says this and leaves! I stood thinking... wtf?!? Now in this instance I knew who this lady was, but had no idea how I was going to get this message to her daughter and in what manner... so what did I do you ask? I called my mom... like anyone would do. Told her, and she said she would try to mention it to a relative and perhaps that would pass it along... works for me! Mom’s always have the best solutions for colds, cuts and ghosts!

Then another time I was driving my car and looked in my rear view mirror and thought to myself... wow this Lady is riding my ass.... then looked again to figure out this lady was in my back seat! Just sitting there in her... for lack of a better term... 80’s cougar wear! Blonde hair frizzed out and feathered back with a large amount of make up on. I gasped and called my friend. Now don’t get me wrong I wasn’t scared at the ghost, I was scared at her appearance! You mean to tell me even in death you don’t get any style tips, or make over’s? If there really is a heaven, shouldn’t there be the ultimate make over... you know like the ‘swan’ program a few years ago, where they took butt ugly people and made them into someone else! All I know is, my heaven better consist of spas and sneak up on you makeover TV shows.... I want my butt to look so perky up on those clouds!

The most rewarding one thus far was the kid who killed himself and his friend 2 months later. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this suicide was the best thing that happened to me, but these boys were fun and full of energy like nobody else I’ve encountered. They came to me often, walked me through what they did and why, so I could pass that along to their family. They gave me names, items and acted out stories that only their family would know. It was incredible to have these boys come to me, as they were really the spirits that opened my eyes that YES there is something after we die! Again I’m not sure if it’s the heaven we think it is, but it’s another place. The funniest thing these boys did to me happened while I was napping on my couch, after a long day of eating! You know those sleeps where you are just sorta in limbo and aware of what is happening around you, but still aware that you are sleeping... anyway they were behind me and placing my finger in my mouth while I was snoring and laughing at my sucking on my finger every time I inhaled... due to the noise that made. I woke up and started laughing cuz my finger was in my mouth and the boys were laughing so hard. I yelled at them to get lost I’m trying to sleep to which they showed me their beards..... which I thought was strange, but it made more sense when I told the one boy’s mother what happened and she said they use to do that to their Dad when he fell asleep on the couch, and as for the beard thing... well his Dad had a beard and he always couldn’t wait to have one.... now he does! Which goes back to my other encounter with cougar lady... if there was a choice in hair.. .why the 80’s doo?!!!

I guess we will all find out at one point what happens after death... or perhaps we won’t, but either way I know there is something... whether it be heaven, or another dimension. I just want... where ever I go to be fun, full of smiles, and all white with a hint of black. After all my years of watching HGTV... it has told me that there must be black to give you grounding colour to make things pop! I want to be able to take earth vacations to watch people freak out when I appear.... now keep in mind, I won’t be jumping out at you in cars, curling up with you bed... but I most definitely will be peaking on you in the shower, alone in your room, or walking beside you when you enter the XXX store! After all, if I’m taking an earth vacation I’m going to make the most of it, and see all the sites I wasn’t able to see before... YOU!

Amen!