GPS- Goodluck Positioning Self !

After seeing how cheap cars were, I decided that I was going to get a new car rather than buy out my lease on Thomas the Tank (the name of my Matrix). Sure he did well for me, got me to all my places, didn’t break down, was cheap on gas and had enough room for all my camping supplies.... but it was time to trade the beast in and get a new smelling sports –ish car! (Will explain that later)!

When I was looking at my new car and making the choice of colour, options and all that fun stuff. I noticed that this thing came with GPS. Well if anyone knows me I can get lost going to another floor in an apt building. So I inquired about it, and was quickly laughed at. I guess you can go buy them from any store for a couple hundred dollars, and this thing was a 2K option. So being cheap I decided against it! The next day I called back and placed my order for the GPS in this car. I figured a guy needed a toy and why not.... NEVER get lost again! It was the most expensive toy I bought in ages... well if you don’t count that growing cream I was tried that gave me a bad rash... but anyway!

So after picking up my car at the dealership, I decided this was a good option to put the GPS on, and follow it home. “DING, please proceed and your driving options will start” said that nice lady. She speaks with an American accent and repeats herself like my grandmother’s stories. But I started on my way, even though I knew the route. I was shocked when she told me to turn left well before I knew I was suppose too... at first I thought this lady is DRUNK... but like anyone drunk I follow!

So making all my turns, proceed this many km’s I arrived in farm land area at a dead end... the nice Lady came on and told me to turn right. Now there was a problem with this... well a couple of them... first there was a house to my right at this dead end, and it s a new car... I wasn’t going to just drive thru the house cuz the nice Lady told me too... I’m not stupid! So I called her a dumb bitch and turned around.

The next thing I knew this Lady came on at the next stop and told me to turn right. I thought... boy she really likes her ‘right’ turns... but I followed AGAIN. To which she said please follow this road another 6 km’s. I have to admit not turning another right made me happy, but this was an area I wasn’t too familiar with. Then I figured it out ... that bitch took me to Surrey.... why did she take me there... did she have a death wish I wondered? Now remember I’m in a black sports car with tinted windows so dark you can’t see nothing.... in Surrey ... we all have heard of the gang war’s happening..... So anyway... I flexed my cheeks waiting for a bullet to zip thru my beautiful face, and took the first road that looked familiar to me... I needed to get on the highway QUICKLY!

Anyway... I decided it was a good idea to not listen to the bitch yelling at me every 5 seconds to make a U-turn, and turn left. Sure I was happy she didn’t say right, but left meant heading back to Surrey, and I wasn’t going to be doing that. Sure I’ve wanted to be the headliner of the news, but not the 20th shooting victim in the lower mainland... I don’t look good in a yellow tarp with one arm sticking out ... hhhmm wonder if it would be right or left arm... but anyway...

The point is... GPS sounds great, and its suppose to get you to your destination with little problems and a lot of ease, but only if you want to make a drive thru of someone’s house, get shot in gang wars, and continually turn ‘right’ and make U-turns back to the war zone! My death wish Lady is with me for the long haul... it’s the only women I will be keeping in my life for that long, so I have to name her... .ideas?