The Underbrush

I was bored one night, and a few glass of red into it, when it suddenly hit me.... SHAVE every bit of your body hair... oh yes, it was a great thought. You will look younger, more cut and smooth as a baby. Now everyone knows that babies are new and fresh.... so why not! Why not nothing ... you don’t even know my pain... or itch!

I’m in my bathroom, all buck naked and staring at my hairy being... struggling to get my clippers out without taking even one peak at my sheer whiteness. Every morning I do end up taking a peak at my body as I jump in the shower... who doesn’t! I also quickly put on a healthy layer of soap to cover up my vision of this big white ass that always seems to trail behind me ... in a southern tilt! I can always remember saying to my mom that I wish I didn’t have a big butt, and her reply would always be ... be thankful you have a butt.. Most guys don’t! What she failed to think was my low activity level and how this big butt would become ... .well... like I said before... SOUTHERN TILTED.

My clippers in my hand and building up the courage to take a look at myself, I gently placed it against my skin... waiting for the little teeth to take hold of their intended victim! It was an event, to which I was prepared for... broom, dust pan and vacuum close by, as I did think there would be a lot of hair flying about! I certainly didn’t want a carpet of hair in my bathroom.... have you tried to sweep up hair of any kind... it’s not easy!

I started with my chest and worked my way down. I was making tracks, and designs all over my torso. It was enough to rival any Picasso! I did find out that taking on my chest hair was harder than expected. First you have this collar bone to work around... clippers seem to only like straight, flush lines... gotta watch yourself... but then after that, moving down you got these 2 nipple things that can easily be taking off if you’re not careful. I have never before had sensitive nipples, but when the buzz of the clippers came close they stop at attention... it was a feeling like nothing I had experienced before... okay I kinda liked it! WHATEVE!

So going south, I wondered how south I should go! It’s like a trip to a warmer destination... you want as far south as you can get... and trust me... I went due south! Now I thought the nipples were tricky, you ain’t seen tricky until you go south! I took it slowly with my hands shaking... come to think of it; I don’t even think I inhaled, for fear of a sudden movement. It’s like trimming a hedge and accidentally cutting the main branch.... not enough water would fix the damage if that happens! But never mind the hedge, there was the under brush.... couldn’t figure that out at all....do I clear cut, leave it alone! Needless to say.... the underbrush was left... didn’t have the courage!

So with all my hair laying on the floor, in between my toes, hanging off my legs, back and pretty much any place that had a surface. It was a mess.... I grabbed my broom and began to shovel the snow of hair in the dust pan. What a chore....have you done this? It seemed with every brush stroke, some hair landed in the pan, while others flew over the top! I’m itchy, naked and feeling very cold and vulnerable... much like I felt as a 10yr old. Well a 10yr old with a few more character lines... lines I didn’t even know I had. It was amazing to find out that hair is a good hider of flaws.... my flaws were now exposed!

So you are most likely wondering why I’m telling you this. It’s to help you make the same mistake as I have made. Having a thought that if taking off my body hair would make me feel smooth and younger, in fact did the exact opposite! I felt foolish and cold... I quickly jumped in the shower to get the tiny little hairs off me that was driving my back insane ... itchy, itchy, and itchy! I remember lathering up my new shaved body and found there was nothing for the lather of the soap to cling too. It just slid off as fast as I was putting it on! I think I was even had a bit of water beading like a new polished car! Just without the new car smell, or look!

It’s been well over a month, and I’m still waiting for my chia pet to come back! It’s been a very long road to recovery, both physically and emotionally. To have to look at my body daily while hoping in the shower is less pleasant then before, and my soaping pleasures lack the lustre of my previous hairy body. I really saw my body for what it was... old beaten up and tilting south! So don’t shave your body guys, it does nothing but make you look like a middle aged prepubescent white slab of cheese! Let’s not even mention the countless itches you get from little hairs, just tall enough to curl around and poke you back... I swear to god... these itches come at the strangest times. Try buying milk and running down the baking aisle to reach down and scratch like you’re trying to create fire! Just leave your hair, it’s there for a reason... to protect you from your flaws, keep you warm and give your twigs and berries grab that lather that area deserves!

Oh yeah if in doubt grow a beard to ensure you still have hair somewhere on your body!