Paying for 9 lives

I have a co-worker who has this cat who is 19yrs old... YES, I said 19! I know it’s crazy to believe a cat could live this long, but her ball of matts has managed to survive! From what I’ve heard of this kitty, it’s extremely mean, and certainly not a lap cat... or even walking around your feet without hissing or biting. Who would want a cat such as this? Sherry would!

The cat began meowing at night... into the night air and at nothing in particular. Starting pissing all over the place and was getting even more matts then Susan’s inbox on singles sites! Sherry was desperately trying to figure out a solution for little fluffy... starting putting her in the garage so she could sing her song all night long, and not wake her up. Not to mention, allowing her to let her bowels go and not make too much of a mess... I guess it’s easy clean up on concrete, rather than carpet. Sherry thought this was the best solution until she brought the topic up at work. To me of all people....

She told the storey with her voice shaking, hair a mess and bags under her eyes... I guess it was a sleepless night with the cat songs! I was in shock that this cat was even alive then alone able to piss and meow in the garage. I told her she needed to take that kitty to the vet, so they could tell her that this cat is on its 9th life, and should be put down. The horror in her face when she realized that she will have to make the choice to kill her kitty... it was like telling someone that they have to put their kid down! I’ve been warned about cat people... strange bunch!

Sherry built up the courage to take the mean kitty to the vet to have that one last shot. She even bought a new carrier to put the ailing cat in... Just had to figure out a way to get a hold of the cat... she doesn’t like to be touched! But then again who wants to be touched when your hair is full of matts, and your bowels could explode at anytime! But she managed to get the cat in the carrier, and off to the doctors she drove. I’m sure with tears in her eyes and a beating heart so strong that the Natives thought the spirits of the dead were speaking to them!

Next thing you know Sherry is in the vet, and talking to the doctor. He says this cat shouldn’t be put down, and needs some tests, special food, and some B12 shots. He doesn’t think this kitty is dying at all... just a big case of kidney failure and good brushing! What does Sherry do you ask? Well she listens to the good doctor and a couple hundred dollars later walks out the door with her over priced food, medicine and new outlook on this 19yr old kitty! Off to the garage she sped!

So it’s been a week, and it’s time for Sherry to re-visit the good doctor for a check up on her kitty. I asked her how things were going, to which she said....’alright i guess’! Alright I shrieked, after all that only alright? Come on! When do you decide enough is enough and time to separate with your garage kitty? Now that she has invested hundreds of dollars, and let’s not mention time it takes to give the 19yr old kitty her medicine... when does she makes the ultimate choice of sending it to kitty heaven? It’s not like kidneys repair themselves with some pills, or B12 shots...

Sherry now has to decide how much further she is going to go with garage kitty. Already talking about getting a nice new kitten, but can’t until the matted one is dead. She is afraid she will eat a kitty... that’s how mean this cat is! So, Sherry will be off to the vet this week to get some shots to give this cat... or will she just give her garage kitty the ‘one’ shot it should be getting? Now keep in mind this is coming from the same person who said one day “Oh my god, I don’t think I fed my kids last night, I remember making myself a salad, but...oh no, I didn’t feed them”! I guess it’s alright to save garage kitty with hundreds of dollars, but to spend a couple bucks on dinner for the kids is out of the question! When do you decide to put a pet down, and take that time to feed your kids some dinner? Only Sherry really knows, but I’m hoping she does the right thing and feeds her family with a feast!

One a brighter note, her mother should be thankful, that when she gets older and her body is ailing, Sherry will take her in, spend all her money of pills. Although she will put her in the garage if she starts complaining to much .....

Flick the Switch

Below is a news feed from my Facebook Account... please read! It’s a status update, with comments from his friends.... brace yourself for the full face smack of STUPIDITY! I can't tell you how much my blood is boiling, my emotion in full on rage mode over this piece of work... I will now flick my lights for the entire night to ensure I'm making up for the stupid people of this world.



Dick Frick...... earth day schmearth day
Posted about an hour ago • Comment • LikeUnlike
You like this.

Martha idiotish at 8:49am March 28
I know exactly how u feel...with so much going on in the world..who the hell thinks of "earth day"?

Sam Smart at 8:54am March 28
Hello??! It doesn't cost a thing to celebrate earth day people! And you can still be mindful of other things going on in the world... while it's still here.

Martha idiotish at 8:59am March 28
I know Sioban!..I have an eight year old at home, so I will be doing the "hour" thing, just because I think its important to him...but I, as an adult, know that there are more important things to think about.

Dick Frick at 9:01am March 28
dimming my lights for an hour will not cure AIDS, world starvation or kill Geo. W. Bush....while it may save my landlord 3cents...it's not high on MY list of priorities.

Joe Right at 9:19am March 28
You *could* save some hydro or you could ride the bitter bus with Darryl. ;)

Dick Frick at 9:20am March 28
i'm nothing if not bitter

“So much happening in the world, and who thinks about earth day”... uummm firstly there wouldn’t be much happening in the world if we didn’t have one! I don’t think using less of our resources is contributing to disease, famine or even a old president. Its our narrow minded thoughts and actions that are raising the stakes in our life and how we live it.

The youth of today have it right, they understand about the impact we have on our earth, and how we abuse it in our daily routine in life. To leave your lights on creates Co2 that goes into our atmosphere and creates a barrier to prevent heat from escaping our atmosphere... thus making ice melt in the arctic, weather patterns changing all over the globe which is creating famine by not allowing us to grow the food to feed the billions we have here. Then what about the funds we are using to prevent this global devastation that could be better used to find the cure for aids and other diseases. Its costing billions around the globe to figure out how to keep the polar ice from melting, weather patterns changing, and releasing energy from our atmosphere, yet turning out lights cost’s nothing, but saves billions.... sounds too easy for some I guess!

I personally want to shove a light bulb up their ass and flick the switch to ‘on’ and see what happens. They can feel their insides getting warm, then burning , something like our earth must feels on a daily basis! Can you imagine if the world could speak, what it would be saying to us? Although if we look around we can see what its saying... its telling us we are killing it! Yes killing it, just like that news feed killed me to think that Canadians actually think like this... then again they are from Toronto! Looking at concrete all day makes you forget that outside an urban centre there is green living skylines that are more appealing to look at then lit up buildings, and neon signs.

Its always the most simple idea’s that make the biggest difference, and this is brilliant. To be against this because you think your landlord will save money, or it doesn’t cure disease, or even a president of a country is utterly ridiculous. It’s about saving this world, our lifestyle and handing it over to the future generations the way we were handed it ... in working condition!

Ageless Wonder

It all started when I spotted my first gray hair on my chin a couple years ago, I knew it had started… the good bye to youth and hello to middle age. It didn’t even sneak up on me: I just woke up and there they were…. Not 1, 2 or even 3 hairs… there was a patch. How does a patch of gray appear throughout the night? Was it a dream that scared me? Perhaps I was fooling myself prior, thinking they were blonde… I’m not sure... but all I knew was this was the first day that I was becoming a man… not a man, man, but my Dad Man … OLD !

It quickly started to run downhill from there, it seemed like every morning I was inspecting myself to see what else was shifting, dropping or disappearing. I was changing faster then superman in a telephone booth. I would try sucking it in throughout the day to prevent others from noticing my mid section, thighs, and chin. Have you ever tried to suck in your chin? It can be done... just clench your jaw and lift your tongue to the roof of your mouth... its amazing how much lift you can get from this simple trick…. The only problem... once you speak it lets go and pretty much bounces back to its resting position with 2 slight ripples in the process.

My biggest fear in getting older is not being able to do the things that I use to do when I was younger…. Until I figured out… you can still do those things, they just take longer... like sometimes days or weeks longer, but it’s the changes in your body that really hurt. Your hips begin to spread apart… not really sure why they were doing this, until I figured out they must be making room for my longer then normal ball sack. Yes they do fall guys… its horrible. Sitting on them, crossing legs begins to be a challenge and even boxer shorts are not to be worn unless you don’t mind them sticking to your inner thigh.
Anyway... the hips adjust, the hair turns gray, your chin drops and your thighs rub your ball sack… what else do I have to look forward too? Not even going to mention bad back, sore ankles, eyes, nose and ear hair, saying good bye to those spontaneous boners, or even the topography that fixes itself on your forehead... the list goes on!

The point is, everyone goes through this, and you can’t stop it. Its not like I expected to look like I’m 30 in my 90’s… but you never think this is going to happen to you! But as the years go on, each of these issue’s get greater… so I can only imagine what this will all look like in 10, 20, Or even 30yrs… I guess I better start saving for a personal assistant… to hold menus for me, so I can read, to help me out of bed due to my bad back, assist me up and down stairs, colour my hair, or shave my face… and to carry my ball sack, so I don’t trip over it and cause more damage to my ailing aging body!

GPS- Goodluck Positioning Self !

After seeing how cheap cars were, I decided that I was going to get a new car rather than buy out my lease on Thomas the Tank (the name of my Matrix). Sure he did well for me, got me to all my places, didn’t break down, was cheap on gas and had enough room for all my camping supplies.... but it was time to trade the beast in and get a new smelling sports –ish car! (Will explain that later)!

When I was looking at my new car and making the choice of colour, options and all that fun stuff. I noticed that this thing came with GPS. Well if anyone knows me I can get lost going to another floor in an apt building. So I inquired about it, and was quickly laughed at. I guess you can go buy them from any store for a couple hundred dollars, and this thing was a 2K option. So being cheap I decided against it! The next day I called back and placed my order for the GPS in this car. I figured a guy needed a toy and why not.... NEVER get lost again! It was the most expensive toy I bought in ages... well if you don’t count that growing cream I was tried that gave me a bad rash... but anyway!

So after picking up my car at the dealership, I decided this was a good option to put the GPS on, and follow it home. “DING, please proceed and your driving options will start” said that nice lady. She speaks with an American accent and repeats herself like my grandmother’s stories. But I started on my way, even though I knew the route. I was shocked when she told me to turn left well before I knew I was suppose too... at first I thought this lady is DRUNK... but like anyone drunk I follow!

So making all my turns, proceed this many km’s I arrived in farm land area at a dead end... the nice Lady came on and told me to turn right. Now there was a problem with this... well a couple of them... first there was a house to my right at this dead end, and it s a new car... I wasn’t going to just drive thru the house cuz the nice Lady told me too... I’m not stupid! So I called her a dumb bitch and turned around.

The next thing I knew this Lady came on at the next stop and told me to turn right. I thought... boy she really likes her ‘right’ turns... but I followed AGAIN. To which she said please follow this road another 6 km’s. I have to admit not turning another right made me happy, but this was an area I wasn’t too familiar with. Then I figured it out ... that bitch took me to Surrey.... why did she take me there... did she have a death wish I wondered? Now remember I’m in a black sports car with tinted windows so dark you can’t see nothing.... in Surrey ... we all have heard of the gang war’s happening..... So anyway... I flexed my cheeks waiting for a bullet to zip thru my beautiful face, and took the first road that looked familiar to me... I needed to get on the highway QUICKLY!

Anyway... I decided it was a good idea to not listen to the bitch yelling at me every 5 seconds to make a U-turn, and turn left. Sure I was happy she didn’t say right, but left meant heading back to Surrey, and I wasn’t going to be doing that. Sure I’ve wanted to be the headliner of the news, but not the 20th shooting victim in the lower mainland... I don’t look good in a yellow tarp with one arm sticking out ... hhhmm wonder if it would be right or left arm... but anyway...

The point is... GPS sounds great, and its suppose to get you to your destination with little problems and a lot of ease, but only if you want to make a drive thru of someone’s house, get shot in gang wars, and continually turn ‘right’ and make U-turns back to the war zone! My death wish Lady is with me for the long haul... it’s the only women I will be keeping in my life for that long, so I have to name her... .ideas?

Versatile Vegetable

I was lying down on my bed when it hit me... zucchini! I had one in my fridge from my grocery adventure earlier this week. It was fresh, firm and big..... Enough to do the trick. When you are in a pintch you have to use your imagination, and let’s be honest... when we purchase a zucchini its pretty much for one purpose.

So I run to my fridge to grab that beautiful piece of goodness. It was there, in my crisper....still hard and fresh as the first day I laid eyes on it at the store. Not one mark, bruise or defect... it was perfect... the most beautiful zucchini I’ve ever had. It was larger than most I’ve bought in the past, and knew it was up for the challenge.

I jumped in the shower and soaped up my body, quite excited about my plans with this vegetable. I really had to hurry though, as I wanted it to still be cold, fresh and firm. I kept giggling in anticipation! I had to keep my level of enthusiasm to a minimum, as I wanted to ensure I was properly clean and presentable.

All towelled off and ready to go, I grabbed it..... Still fresh and cold. I thought I’d better wrap it up first, so nothing got damaged. I grabbed a vegetable bag and gently placed it in the bottom and began wrapping it up... making certain not to bruise the flesh... I took my time. The smile on my face grew and I think a few giggles escaped from my mouth! Indeed they did! Game on!

It didn’t take long to drive my zucchini to the intended destination. I made sure I was driving it slow and carefully so that nothing would harm me, or my zucchini. I swear I had to turn up my music so I could scream with excitement and not look like a freak by just screaming for all to hear. So anyway... I made it ... it worked ... did the trick ... my friend opened the door to her house, and I proudly handed over my zucchini as my offering to her dinner party.

Sure other’s brought a DQ ice cream cake, but that’s high in fat... a zucchini is a crowd favourite. It s goes with anything on the menu...so next time you’re running around late for a dinner party, open the crisper grab a zucchini ... it’s a versatile vegetable!

Get out of that Jell-O Tree

Sometimes, at night... when the crickets go to sleep…in the summer … in my bedroom… under the covers… I FART... it shakes my ass sooooooo much it looks like jello.


Then I get hungry… from my Jell-O fart… lift the covers…. It smells sooooo bad…Underwear has a hole in it …. Could be from my fart …. Not sure

I touch myself

The Man-Toe

So much has been said about a camel toe, but rarely has there been mention of the Man Toe! The tight fitting pants of the male gender that proudly shows off how the Good's of god which has graced them with either a very large bag or big dick.

It’s not really been around since the skinny jeans of the 80’s, but as any style we create, there is a resurgence of the man meat sausage fest. You can’t help but notice, or stare in some cases. Whether it be for jealousy, or intrigue it’s obviously laid out for display and viewing purposes. We live in a society that prides themselves on visual representation.

What I can’t grasp is having it vacuumed sealed between your legs. I know for a fact that when I sit a certain way that causes any restriction… it goes numb… YES I SAID NUMB. It’s a fact of life for a guy… and if you don’t believe me try squeezing your arm for a while and tell me it doesn’t get the tingles.
Anyway, we see these guys walking around, proudly displaying themselves for anyone in eye shot. I can’t help but look, point, stare and even gasp when visually accosted by the Man Toe. I figure why else do they wear tight jeans and strategically place their manhood, if they didn’t want people to take a head swinging glance.

The image I can’t get out of my mind is when you can tell if they are circumcised, what nut is bigger then the other, and which way they hang. It’s your privates for a reason, to remain private until you unleash your beast on your partner. Unfortunately some guys don’t get it! It’s not a nice sight to see 2 poached eggs and sausage scramble together, and that my friend is the Man Toe.

Please stop this visual raping of my mind. The dink at the best of times is not an attractive organ, and to smash it between your legs in a tight pair of jeans doesn’t enhance the appeal. The Male Toe is too much for most, not ever talked about, but does exsist…. I just plead with all Man Toe’es …lighten up the package, give some breathing room, and go home and release the hound!

Random Email Threads

Technology today has changed the way we communicate and interact with our peers, co-worker, friends, lovers, parents and YES even strangers. To be tucked away in your private sanctuary, relaxing legs up with only underwear, we all communicate via email or by computer chat to multiple people through the day. Okay perhaps at work we are dressed .. but once we are home its, game on! Allowing twigs and berries to rest freely and grab some well deserved fresh air! I don’t know about you but having them all bunched up for those 8hrs a day is a killer of cleanliness.

It’s always a hoot to figure out where an email chain will end, or a conversation over chat. I tend to try and grab any random thought, idea, or comment and hit my reply. Some times it has nothing to do with the original msg I’ve received. It’s called throwing a curve ball and see who hits it back to you, and how fast. It’s a kick in the pants to see how people react and respond to your random comment. I’ve been known to have the most bizarre thoughts and comments.. and this is either in front of a computer or person. Reaction is key, shock value is paramount and communication is vital.. no matter what direction or direction’s it takes !

I’m about to share with you a little piece of how my mind works with emails. The intended email was nothing more then a nice to know bit of information about a weather update, which quickly turned into LOL, LMAO, and even HAHAHAHA! I’ve blocked the name of this person, and other details as there are some private details that don’t need to be shared. Yes.. even I have the common sense to censor in the name of sensitive subject matter. (Take for instant my pickle jar story)! I find this email thread humorous in the way it went from weather, font sizes, to weight loss goals. Its just interesting how technology has allowed everyone to be true, real and raw… although I’ve never had a problem with this in person.. but then again I’m not MOST PEOPLE.

PLEASE READ BOTTOM TO TOP !

_____________________________________________
From: Bella Stella
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Wayne Redmond
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo


LOL no I'm gonna buy a tight butt pair of jeans and never get out of them…then paint and clip my toes and I do do the clipping, but it's not pretty..i want more to be able not to have to ask for a freaking seatbelt extension on an airplane and sit in a chair with arms and not be afeared that when I get up, the chair will come with me..

I kinda put this goal with my ******…once I'm going to below 200 which I don't think I've seen since umm hmmm yeah that long..anyhow, that's what it is

Ok so I've told you the innermost deepest darkest thing ever…..i must trust you a lot cuz seriously no one has a clue what I weigh


_____________________________________________
From: Wayne Redmond
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009 12:34 PM
To: Bella Stella
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

That’s a good goal shoot for .. Will this mean you are going to paint your toes and clip them when you achieve it?

_____________________________________________
From: Bella Stella
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Wayne Redmond
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

Oh you made me laugh hahahahah

Ok here it is…fainting is permitted - ***** omg I just said it

I swear wayne, I will be at least 50 less by the end of the year, if not more - that's what I'm shooting for


_____________________________________________
From: Wayne Redmond
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Bella Stella
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?

_____________________________________________
From: Bella Stella
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Wayne Redmond
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

I'm sorry

Wut?

_____________________________________________
From: Wayne Redmond
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Bella Stella
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

How much do you weigh?

_____________________________________________
From: Bella Stella
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Wayne Redmond
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

Well I sure as hell am not sharing my poundage, so measure it is…oy vay - back to therapy I think

_____________________________________________
From: Wayne Redmond
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Bella Stella
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

Its measure or weigh.. Which do u prefer? I love tracking things .. Its in my blood !

_____________________________________________
From: Bella Stella
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Wayne Redmond
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

I don't know if we know each other well enough for measuring hahahah

I didn't say I was going to buy the pies LOL..

_____________________________________________
From: Wayne Redmond
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Bella Stella
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

Uummmm you are going to buy nothing but veggies and fruit ! I can't wait to measure you weekly !

_____________________________________________
From: Bella Stella
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Wayne Redmond
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

Possibly, I'm going tomorrow after work, I'll have to find them. My cart is going to be so stuffed woohoo

_____________________________________________
From: Wayne Redmond
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Bella Stella
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

I suspect they are still in the store? No?

_____________________________________________
From: Bella Stella
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Wayne Redmond
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

Did you know Sunday is rub your favourite person who lives on Kingsway's feet day? And where are my pies???

_____________________________________________
From: Wayne Redmond
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Bella Stella
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

Well I will have to find someone else's car to surprise wash… after all its 'surprise carwash Saturday' .. Always the saturday after St Paddy's… duh !

_____________________________________________
From: Bella Stella
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Wayne Redmond
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

Ohhh shoot now I suppose you're gonna back out on me thanks..thanks a lot

_____________________________________________
From: Wayne Redmond
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Bella Stella
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

What… how did you find out? This was suppose to be a surprise … now its ruined !

_____________________________________________
From: Bella Stella
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Wayne Redmond
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

Woohooo does it ever - perfect time for you to wash my car!

_____________________________________________
From: Wayne Redmond
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2009
To: Bella Stella
Subject: RE: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo

Wow…. Saturday looks awesome ! …

_____________________________________________
From: Bella Stella
Sent: Thursday, March 19
To: Wayne Redmond
Subject: Personal weekend weather forecast brought to you by the letter p and the number oo



<< OLE Object: Picture (Device Independent Bitmap) >>

Mixing the Message

This post may confuse, frustrate or make you scratch your head and think for a moment about the real message behind this topic. We have all heard of Rhiana and Chris Brown and their domestic dispute.. or let’s just call it what it was physical abuse. Unfortunately this isn’t the first, nor the last headline we will hear about. I guess we have either known someone, been abused ourselves, or grew up in a family of abuse.. but either way .. let’s be careful of the message we sending when telling a story about abuse.

It just occurred to me while watching Oprah (yes I watch her, but my brother is in LOVE with her).. anyway.. she was talking to abusers and their victims. The main message was “Men shouldn’t hit Women”.. which is not foreign or new . Oprah interviewed other stars that were caught in a relationship that was abusive, and what their thoughts were, whether it be what they were thinking, how they got out and what they are doing now to help fight against it.

BUT this was my thought.. you say men shouldn’t hit women, not for any reason, but yet women fight to be treated equally and fairly as their male counterparts. I am NOT saying that men should hit women, so please don’t get me wrong... what I’m saying is this. Its mixing a message that women have been fighting for and that is, women get treated the same as men. Equal wages, jobs, opportunities, education the list goes on, but using this message its saying that women are inferior to men and that is why they shouldn’t be hit. They are weak and helpless and couldn’t fight their way out of a wet paper bag, or expected too for that matter.

I know it’s a little harsh, but you get my idea. Women are the same as Men, and yes Men shouldn’t hit women, but then again NOBODY SHOULD HIT ANYBODY, for ANY REASON. What about abuse towards kids, seniors, disabled, ethnic race, religion??? Is it alright for a male to hit another male in the name of colour? How about what God he believes in? Why doesn’t it hit the headlines when there is any abuse towards anybody? 2 men fighting at a bar, on the streets.. not all men are equal, nor women hitting each other.. they aren’t equal to each other either. We are all different. What about all those kids getting hit by both men and women? What about women would beat men.. and let’s be honest .. there are many of those, cuz not all men could even fight their way out chip bag. Why do you think it’s alright to see or hear about a fight with kids vs kids, men vs men or women vs women?

Until we stop the romance with watching fighting in sports, tv, video games, music and even cartoons we will never be a society that fully believes violence is not tolerated. When and where do we draw the line? The point of this should be simple. Violence against anyone is forbidden ... doesn’t matter much who is getting hit. If there is violence happening, it’s never a good situation no matter who’s throwing the first punch. Again it’s not cool to hit women, it’s not cool to hit men, it’s not cool to hit any HUMAN... PERIOD!

Let’s not confuse the message ..WE SHALL NOT COMMITT VIOLENCE TOWARDS ANYONE!

Raw Rage

Some believe my inside voice was lost, and in some respects it true. I get a kick out of throwing out topics, or comments that only others think about, but rarely communicate. My version of being politically correct is just being yourself... you know RAW, REAL, AND RIDICULOUS!
Take for instant giving the finger to senior drivers who go a mere 20Km on the highway.. It’s what I feel at the moment, and it doesn’t physically hurt the senior... most cases they don’t even see my finger waving at them. I mean it’s hard to see, when your line of vision is that half circle of your steering wheel and the dashboard! We make these people retire at a certain age, but have no problems allowing them to hop behind the wheel of a car in their 90’s.. wtf? We need to have mandatory driving tests to see if they can actually keep up with traffic.. or even better ... SEE IT !

What about those who don’t speak or read English? We all see them on the streets.. they’re the ones who drive with that left blinker on , for blocks and blocks.. slowing down at every street, to just fool you in thinking...”oh they are turning now”. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve waved a finger, hung my head out the window giving them the ole fashion ‘welcome’ ... then they have the nerve to just smile and wave.. nothing pisses me off more... when someone doesn’t know when I’m raging on them! I want the name and number of the person in charge of giving them a license without knowing the language. You don’t see me jumping on a camel and racing across the desert.(although I’ve come close)

I’m not saying all old, immigrants, retards, disabled, enabled, or even gender confused people can’t drive... just the fucking stupid ones! I only drive 2 mins to work daily (yes I drive.. I’m helping the economy by consuming gasoline.. hello) and within this drive I’m stunned at the idiots I encounter along this trip. To make a left hand turn for some , require a 2 mile radius in each direction of no cars before they will even venture across that street. Nothing makes my balls lift and separate more then this! I wish we had rubber bumpers ... you know to nudge them out there.. .see what they do. Kinda like your Dad did when he threw you in the pool as a kid... sink or swim. Its life’s way of weeding out the weak... or so my Dad always told me! Think about it .. we shake hands when we meet, we hug when we know each other.. why not nudge in cars ... nudge an idiot! We can publically shame them with nudge marks on their bumpers... .you get 5 nudges before you lose your license! Oh gawd I would be nudging like nobody else!

Don’t get me wrong.. I believe everyone has the right to drive, just as I have the right to rage. I’m not the best driver and I have some friends who will not drive with me.. just cause I’m raw, real and ridiculous... come on grow a pair would ya!

Memories of Murse's

Ever since I could remember I had a fascination with purses. Yes I admit it... PURSES! My funniest memories were when my great grandmother would let me play with her closet full of purses. I would strut around her house carrying my fashionable old ladies purse trying to figure out how many things I could put in all those compartments! I was fascinated by these handy over the shoulder carrying cases! The smell, feel and most of all the handles .. some short, some long, so didn’t even have any... I guess you just carry it like you would a wallet!
Now don’t get me wrong, at no point, did I ever wish I was a girl. All I wanted was a place to put all my favourite stuff when I left my house. I can’t tell you why I didn’t think of a suitcase, or perhaps a plastic bag... I guess the handles weren’t fun enough to capture my attention! Don’t even get me started on the zipper, clasp, or even snap... I swear I can jizz thinking about it now! The excitement I got when visiting my great grandmother!
Way ahead of my time is what I’m chalking it up too. These days it’s fashionable and normal for a guy to carry a purse... or shall we call it a murse, or manbag! I can’t tell you the first time I saw these on sale in the men’s dept... I think I moon walked down the aisle! ( to give you an idea of timeframe) My very first murse was the smallest over the shoulder and around the waste snap up job ... it had only 1 compartment, and a couple slide in pouches.. but heck it was enough for me. I could put my fav belongings in it when I leave the house ( the dream I dreamt of as a child). I carried anything I could think of .. .brush, book, pen, wallet, keys, even .. yes even my ‘swatch’.. why wear it when I was able to carry it around, and consistently go into my murse to check the time!
As time has gone on, I have and still have my fair share of every kind of murse. Small, med, large and extra large. I still get the same excitement as a child when I see them in the store. My thoughts instantly go to ‘what can i put in there’, ‘Is this an everyday murse, or just a dress up murse’? It’s very important to ask yourself these questions when purchasing the new ‘carrying case’! You don’t ever want to neglect the newest member of your army of murses! I guess I was way ahead of my time, or totally missed out on being the creator of the murse, and the millions that accompanied it. Can you imagine being able to carry around all that cash in one of your ‘own’ murses? Okay.. I’m dreaming again ..
The point is, when you’re a kid it’s the smallest things that give the greatest joy, even if its only a purse. It saved my childhood to carry all those frogs into my house when my mother caught on, and made me empty my pockets before coming in... not once did she think to empty my purse ... after all a purse is quite private and shouldn’t be made to empty on the floor... not for any occasion !

Caught in a Pickle

What I’m about to talk about isn’t for everyone.. so be warned now.. and if your curiosity gets the best of you... IT’S NOT MY FAULT!

This weekend I was over at a friend’s place for a surprise dinner... the surprise was I just showed up looking for dinner when I found out another friend was there already about to scarf MY dinner. So the food is cooking and we are having good conversation.. nothing too heavy, nothing to light.. just right.. when I was asked if I’ve seen the ‘ 1 guy and a cup’. Now we have all heard of the movie ‘2 girls and a cup’.. so one would assume that this is along the same lines... FAR FROM IT !

We saddle up to the laptop to view what we thought was going to be a similar show as the girls... but as soon as the movie starts, its quite apparent that this movie is quite different. I won’t get into too much detail, as it still makes me cold and dizzy when I think about it... but let’s just say you won’t eat pickles from a jar again.. or anything from a jar for that matter. Yes you have guessed it... this jar makes it in a place that just doesn’t seem to possible to most... then the unthinkable happens.. and that is where I’m going to leave it !

But what I don’t understand is when someone looks in their fridge and opens a pickle jar eats the last pickle then sits back to admire the workmanship of the jar. The shiny exterior that is seamless and translucent and full of girth. Then decides it’s a possible candidate for putting in a place where the sun don’t shine! Was it the smell of vinegar that attracts you? The tin cap dressed in yellow? How about the label.. was it that? Why would you put something that can’t easily slide into a dishwasher, into YOU? Don’t you want to start with perhaps a candle, carrot or even an orange if you want girth? The worst that will happen with an orange is .. JUICE ... or a citrus fart! A glass jar is danger... DANGER at the best of times... we have all at some point dropped a glass jar...right? ANYHOO...

For the rest of the night, let’s just say my hole was squeezed so tight that my burps smelt like shit! The numbness that was left in my body continued with me until I got home later that evening. I don’t think I fully relaxed until the next day when I bravely opened my fridge, grasped my pickle jar and ran to the trash with it .. holding it with 2 hands so it wouldn’t slip and break ! The moral of the story is this... if you are caught in a pickle call 911 and stop the video recorder... oh yeah and don’t allow any friend to show you anything to do with a person and a cup, bowl, tinfoil, plastic wrap or even a jar ... don’t do it !

ps. If you google this, its at your own risk

Poo in public toilets

I find myself pinching my nose, wiping tears from my eyes, clearing my throat before entering public bathrooms.. in fear of getting engulfed in a sea of poo!
Why.... .why, why, why ...
Why do you think anyone else wants to smell your inner bowels? Why do you think we want to hear your fecal matter getting squeezed out your cornhole? Why do you bring a newspaper to read and leave it for others? Why do you fart while pushing? Why do you moan like your doing a taste test for a chocolate factory?
It amazes me each time I enter the bathroom... which sound, smell or puddle will await me. Its like going to a movie and not really knowing if its going to be action packed, horror, or comedy. I strut up to the urnal, which is right beside the stall to which these noise's and sounds omit from. Gently I pull out my pee pee to take my well deserved leak. ( I drink a lot of coffee)!

BAM

it hits me, the smell, sound or combination of both. I look down at my pee pee to pretty much tell the master to hurry. At this point I notice that I'm standing in a puddle of piss. How do you miss a huge 2 foot long, by 2 foot wide white block on the wall? Is your dick that big that it sprays like a firefighters hose, I think not! I can understand you most likely hear and smell what I do and hurry to get the hell out before your eyes tear up so much you lose your way ... but please hold on to your pee pee .. if anything the warmth from your hands will speed things up.

I suggest for everyone that guys put themselves on a schedule. You wake up, you shower and get ready for work.. do you not want to take your dump then so your ass is clean for the rest of the day? Plus a little hint... your pants fit a bit better when your bowels are empty... in every way!

But... if you must poo in public toilets, perhaps use your sphincter muscle by pinching off every couple of inches so we don't hear it go KERPLUNK in the toilet, or fart its way out. Cough loudly, sneeze, or even clap your hands to cover up the sound. Also think about what you ate the night before, and perhaps wait until everyone leaves the bathroom before letting go fo the taco dinner from last night !

Please guys, carry a match, a small travel candle or get yourself on a schedule that you shit before the shower in the morning.... but for some reason if you must use the public toilet then do something... JUST DON'T SIT THERE !