Poo in public toilets

I find myself pinching my nose, wiping tears from my eyes, clearing my throat before entering public bathrooms.. in fear of getting engulfed in a sea of poo!
Why.... .why, why, why ...
Why do you think anyone else wants to smell your inner bowels? Why do you think we want to hear your fecal matter getting squeezed out your cornhole? Why do you bring a newspaper to read and leave it for others? Why do you fart while pushing? Why do you moan like your doing a taste test for a chocolate factory?
It amazes me each time I enter the bathroom... which sound, smell or puddle will await me. Its like going to a movie and not really knowing if its going to be action packed, horror, or comedy. I strut up to the urnal, which is right beside the stall to which these noise's and sounds omit from. Gently I pull out my pee pee to take my well deserved leak. ( I drink a lot of coffee)!

BAM

it hits me, the smell, sound or combination of both. I look down at my pee pee to pretty much tell the master to hurry. At this point I notice that I'm standing in a puddle of piss. How do you miss a huge 2 foot long, by 2 foot wide white block on the wall? Is your dick that big that it sprays like a firefighters hose, I think not! I can understand you most likely hear and smell what I do and hurry to get the hell out before your eyes tear up so much you lose your way ... but please hold on to your pee pee .. if anything the warmth from your hands will speed things up.

I suggest for everyone that guys put themselves on a schedule. You wake up, you shower and get ready for work.. do you not want to take your dump then so your ass is clean for the rest of the day? Plus a little hint... your pants fit a bit better when your bowels are empty... in every way!

But... if you must poo in public toilets, perhaps use your sphincter muscle by pinching off every couple of inches so we don't hear it go KERPLUNK in the toilet, or fart its way out. Cough loudly, sneeze, or even clap your hands to cover up the sound. Also think about what you ate the night before, and perhaps wait until everyone leaves the bathroom before letting go fo the taco dinner from last night !

Please guys, carry a match, a small travel candle or get yourself on a schedule that you shit before the shower in the morning.... but for some reason if you must use the public toilet then do something... JUST DON'T SIT THERE !