Date and Dash

We have all at one time or another been heading out for a blind date, and really not sure what awaits us.. other then the anticipation of, could this be the one who knocks my socks off.. the one that makes me smile when I don't even intend too... the one who puts a tingle in my pringle. Its not like we expect each blind date we venture on... to be our last.. but we want it to be at least a pleasant experience... a story we can tell for years ....

You head out to your location.. the one you both picked to meet up for the very first time. You decide, should I arrive early or show up on time.. is it easier to be the one waiting so you don't have to look like a fool when you enter and can't figure out who the person is! Let's admit it now... some photo's people post are not exactly a true depiction of their representation. I swear they either sift through hundred's of photos to find the 1 or 3 that look the best.... and some are from decades before... which really amazes me why anyone would want to give a picture from 20lbs ago...its only going to create an uneasy start to the dreaded blind date.

You are face to face now... both looking at each other and inner voices raising. WTF..WTH...who is this? Did you eat a healthy dinner the night before which created those extra pounds.. are you just retaining water... okay.. okay... let's see they might be a nice person.. make me laugh. The tension fades as the initial meeting is over.... you have questions but you dare not to ask them.... you know the ones... " why the hell would you lie about what you look like, you big donkey" ..... or " how the HELL can I cut this early, you sack of shit" ... oh yes we all think of something along these lines and I'm here to give you some tips on how to get out of the blind date from hell'ness !

I'm not about to give you the normal advice we all know about... like getting a friend to call.... saying you have to get up early for work.... that's just too obvious ... plus its been done many times. My advice will give you the leading edge for GREAT stories for your friends... family or whomever you want to share this experience with. Perhaps you don't even want to relive the event, but either way its going to make you giggle or give someone you care about a great big chuckle... and who doesn't like to hear about the good fortune of other's mistakes?!

My list will read as follows...

1. If its a coffee date, and you are both up at the counter paying for your coffee's ( you get a small in hopes you drink it fast to bolt), and just when your blind date is buying their coffee, you slip a biscotti into their purse, bag or pocket. You then gently lean towards the person taking the money and whisper .. " they just stole a biscotti" ! This will for sure end the date promptly with the police showing up to take the lying sack of shit away for questioning.... of course they will have no idea how that biscotti jumped into their being.. but does it matter... you're half way home to relax!

2. You have made it 2 sips into your coffee and thinking desperately how to end this.. the conversation isn't that great, things aren't flowing too well... bring up your past criminal record.... go into detail... talk about court appearances where you showed up drunk, talk about how you lied to your lawyer so they would really stand up for you. Make sure to laugh as you tell your tale of criminal actions... all the while slapping them on their shoulder and winking! Let them know though you got off and you weren't charged.. its important they understand that you can afford a really good lawyer.

3. Light up a smoke... even if you don't smoke, may I suggest buying a pack before the date and a fresh lighter. If this is the date from hell, you can always reach into your bag, bring out the pack of cancer sticks and light up. Now you don't have to inhale, this exercise isn't about becoming addicted to smoking.. its just a way to cut the date short. Then proceed to give them a smoke and create fun with it.. tell them you want to have a competition on who can blow the best smoke rings.... if they say no the first time.... keep asking... hounding really until its really uncomfortable. Now if they do smoke... make sure to blow the smoke directly into their face.. cough uncontrollably with fluids spurting every where.. .then keep spitting on the ground beside the table.

4. Bring up all the sexual disease's you have caught through the years. Its good to bring this topic up, not only to cut the date short, but also see if the other person decides to share as well. Either way... its a good thing! Make sure you list off your STI's you've had, how you got them and what position you got them in. The more detail he better for this... nobody just wants to hear you got anal warts ... they want to know 'how' you got them!

5. Having bad manners is a good way to cut it short... I mean if the other person didn't have enough manners to give you a picture of them that was current .. then what's wrong with a little bodily gas while chatting. As you are talking... burp during your conversation.. but don't indicate that you burped.... just continue on with your chat.... .all while blowing it in their direction. Now if the burps don't scare them... try excusing yourself from the table to go to the washroom and just as you leave... let one rip... I mean a wet one... then continue walking to the can... if anything when you get back the table with be empty and you are set free.

6. Trying to keep the conversation going... cuz your inner voice is still screaming to get the hell out? Try picking your nose.. dig deep and make sure there is a good load ready for harvest. Don't stop there though... lean down and grab your bag... pull out a baggie and drop the boogies into the baggie... then proceed to tell them you have a little collection at home and have been collecting your boogies since the age of 10.

MY FAV

7. Asking them about previous blind dates.... and asking them if they had a bad one. Get all the detail you can from their bad date... at least this way you can determine if this person has ever sat in your current shoes. Then continue to look really interested in what they're saying and ask.. come right out and ask.. how did you end it..... let them tell their story and then proceed to do exactly what they have just told you. If this doesn't give them a clue... well it doesn't matter... you've ended the date and you are free.

Now, my advice isn't for everyone, but its an option for those who find themselves on the blind date for hell. I wouldn't suggest that you try all of these during 1 date... just pick one.. practice it.. .perfect it. There is no sense getting a friend to call you during a date with an emergency... its too normal. If you are going to be stuck on a bad date.. why not make the most of it.. give yourself a great story to tell friends.
I can't wait to hear the stories from people who use my suggestions ... I want to know if they work, how long each took before the date was called to a close. I of course could use them myself.. but let's be honest... every single thing on this list is actually true in my case... so its the norm for me.. but would be open to suggestions from others... you know .. just in case I actually decide I want to date..... and dash !