MY CANADA ... MY DAY !

I know many people from around the globe think what is it like to be Canadian... well I'm here to share with you a bit of what its like to be a Canuck. Most people generally think of us as the laid back American cousin... which is sad, cuz we are nothing like American's ... well besides having to share the same continent. Its not our fault the war of 1812 didn't pan out for em... baaahhhhhhh sucker's .. teach you to shoot in the dark.... although this must be where they came up with every man may bare arms.... or whatever... more like everyone allowed to shoot first....run next ...and hide in Canada third.... gesh we are nice people!

So to be Canadian for me is about living in a vast country that has many different landscapes...but in winter all resembles the same shit... one big snow bank! (well besides the southern coast of Bc.. unless you count the last winter! WTF?) So with that big of land it brings on challenges.. like regionalization.. what is best for each part of Canada... isn't best for other parts... so how do we fix this in Canada you may ask... well a good ole fashion curling match.. yup I said it.. curling. We throw stones on ice and see who can knock the other opponent out! Its not a complete fix to our problems as we tend to often take the yelling and heckling out to the parking lotwhere, after a few cold 5 % beer's, we lace up our skates and grab sticks to finish the deal. Its our own little Canadian way of being active in a climate that tends to freeze over for many months of the year. After all most area's only get 2 months of good weather and this is just enough to let the bruises heal before the next match... or shall I say debate on what is good for Canada.

Canadian or Canadien's (depending on where you live), have 2 official languages to choose from... but don't tell pockets of Canadians who speak Hindu, Chinese, Africans, Dutch, Czech, Hebrew, Spanish, Italian, Greek or even REAL French! Yup to keep our country united we adopted the 2nd language to which only 23% of us speak.. or care to speak... I guess to be Canadian this means a passing grade is only 23% .. then we make it law. Now don't get me wrong, I think its wonderful we have more then English, I mean just last week I was in Chinatown and every sign was not in either French or English... it was all these characters, not even letters... how does that work? It doesn't matter.... to be Canadian we don't worry about who speaks what, or what language gets used for signs... what we care about is ..... people live in their pockets of their own communities.... why else would we have little Italy, India, Greektown, French quarter, eastside! If they like to live by each other... all the better... we can quickly go in, throw our money at them.... buy their wares and leave... that is Canadian.. peaceful bargain shoppers! Don't split up Canada as a country... when we've split up cities to reflect the different nationalities and feel good about it!

We are a bunch of fun loving, warm people... we have to be.. we don't want to start a war in this country and have to brave some of the brutal winter storms and fight... I mean our armies would be in green camouflage in the summer and white in the winter. We would be building trenches of snow ... and could you image a stand off in the prairies.... it would be one side on the border of Manitoba .... the other on the boarder of Alberta... all with a great view of what each other is doing! Its like the saying goes... you can watch your dog run away for days! Its not like the flatlands of Canada are anything to write home about... well other then the oil sands we have in Alberta... now there is our national treasure of late. What a great way to create an environmental disaster and have the entire world focus on us. Its not like Canada to wave a flag and promote ourselves... but if by chance we get a spot on the global platform... we really go for it. What people don't understand is most of the CEO's of these oil companies are actually American's ... cuz there is no way a true Canadian would exploit our country for the sake of the world..... its just not us... just look at how we handled soft wood trade with the USA... we certainly didn't make a big stink about it when they slapped tariffs on our wood and killed that industry... again we are fun loving warm people... you have to be to live next to the states!

I don't want you to get the wrong idea about Canada, and what it means to be Canadian... we are a good bunch of people. You know the kind that will be there when called upon... Afghanistan for instant! We take our peace making troops to an area that is so full of turmoil and begin to fight on the front lines... now remember we only have 3 battle ships ... a couple of really old helicopters and water guns that spring leaks for arms. Why wouldn't we want to go to a hot spot of the world to help out our neighbours... BECAUSE WE ARE CANADIAN! We will help out anyone if they need us... minus Iraq.... just due to the huge number of bodies we would need to place there... after all its not like any kid in Canada grows up thinking they need to enlist... so our defenses are a bit low. But honestly why would they need a big number.... seriously... its not like we fight wars all the time.... take the Arctic for example... we claimed it years ago when it was still full of ice and things... but now that global warming has caught on ...in a big way.. other countries feel they can put their flag on this land and call it their own. What do Canadians do ... take our ice breaking ship up there to pull out the flag and then call a news conference about how, such and such a country has no right to claim the arctic! Honestly... HONESTLY ... if any country REALLY wanted it... we can't stop them... our troops are off fighting someone else's war!

With that being said... to be really Canadian is to have the worlds interest at heart... to be there like an old friend for someone in need. We are the ole faithful of the world.... you don't hear too much from us, and we don't expect too much from others. We don't wave flags outside our homes, we don't go around with maple leafs tagged to our cars, houses, bikes, boats, or even beings.... but we do care for the world and its people. Its no wonder American's when traveling will show their maple leaf on their bags to say to the world... 'DON'T SHOT ME I'M CANADIAN'.. that my friends is the biggest compliment you can give a Canadian ... RESPECT !

Happy Canada Day CANADA.....you ole wet blanket you !

Date and Dash

We have all at one time or another been heading out for a blind date, and really not sure what awaits us.. other then the anticipation of, could this be the one who knocks my socks off.. the one that makes me smile when I don't even intend too... the one who puts a tingle in my pringle. Its not like we expect each blind date we venture on... to be our last.. but we want it to be at least a pleasant experience... a story we can tell for years ....

You head out to your location.. the one you both picked to meet up for the very first time. You decide, should I arrive early or show up on time.. is it easier to be the one waiting so you don't have to look like a fool when you enter and can't figure out who the person is! Let's admit it now... some photo's people post are not exactly a true depiction of their representation. I swear they either sift through hundred's of photos to find the 1 or 3 that look the best.... and some are from decades before... which really amazes me why anyone would want to give a picture from 20lbs ago...its only going to create an uneasy start to the dreaded blind date.

You are face to face now... both looking at each other and inner voices raising. WTF..WTH...who is this? Did you eat a healthy dinner the night before which created those extra pounds.. are you just retaining water... okay.. okay... let's see they might be a nice person.. make me laugh. The tension fades as the initial meeting is over.... you have questions but you dare not to ask them.... you know the ones... " why the hell would you lie about what you look like, you big donkey" ..... or " how the HELL can I cut this early, you sack of shit" ... oh yes we all think of something along these lines and I'm here to give you some tips on how to get out of the blind date from hell'ness !

I'm not about to give you the normal advice we all know about... like getting a friend to call.... saying you have to get up early for work.... that's just too obvious ... plus its been done many times. My advice will give you the leading edge for GREAT stories for your friends... family or whomever you want to share this experience with. Perhaps you don't even want to relive the event, but either way its going to make you giggle or give someone you care about a great big chuckle... and who doesn't like to hear about the good fortune of other's mistakes?!

My list will read as follows...

1. If its a coffee date, and you are both up at the counter paying for your coffee's ( you get a small in hopes you drink it fast to bolt), and just when your blind date is buying their coffee, you slip a biscotti into their purse, bag or pocket. You then gently lean towards the person taking the money and whisper .. " they just stole a biscotti" ! This will for sure end the date promptly with the police showing up to take the lying sack of shit away for questioning.... of course they will have no idea how that biscotti jumped into their being.. but does it matter... you're half way home to relax!

2. You have made it 2 sips into your coffee and thinking desperately how to end this.. the conversation isn't that great, things aren't flowing too well... bring up your past criminal record.... go into detail... talk about court appearances where you showed up drunk, talk about how you lied to your lawyer so they would really stand up for you. Make sure to laugh as you tell your tale of criminal actions... all the while slapping them on their shoulder and winking! Let them know though you got off and you weren't charged.. its important they understand that you can afford a really good lawyer.

3. Light up a smoke... even if you don't smoke, may I suggest buying a pack before the date and a fresh lighter. If this is the date from hell, you can always reach into your bag, bring out the pack of cancer sticks and light up. Now you don't have to inhale, this exercise isn't about becoming addicted to smoking.. its just a way to cut the date short. Then proceed to give them a smoke and create fun with it.. tell them you want to have a competition on who can blow the best smoke rings.... if they say no the first time.... keep asking... hounding really until its really uncomfortable. Now if they do smoke... make sure to blow the smoke directly into their face.. cough uncontrollably with fluids spurting every where.. .then keep spitting on the ground beside the table.

4. Bring up all the sexual disease's you have caught through the years. Its good to bring this topic up, not only to cut the date short, but also see if the other person decides to share as well. Either way... its a good thing! Make sure you list off your STI's you've had, how you got them and what position you got them in. The more detail he better for this... nobody just wants to hear you got anal warts ... they want to know 'how' you got them!

5. Having bad manners is a good way to cut it short... I mean if the other person didn't have enough manners to give you a picture of them that was current .. then what's wrong with a little bodily gas while chatting. As you are talking... burp during your conversation.. but don't indicate that you burped.... just continue on with your chat.... .all while blowing it in their direction. Now if the burps don't scare them... try excusing yourself from the table to go to the washroom and just as you leave... let one rip... I mean a wet one... then continue walking to the can... if anything when you get back the table with be empty and you are set free.

6. Trying to keep the conversation going... cuz your inner voice is still screaming to get the hell out? Try picking your nose.. dig deep and make sure there is a good load ready for harvest. Don't stop there though... lean down and grab your bag... pull out a baggie and drop the boogies into the baggie... then proceed to tell them you have a little collection at home and have been collecting your boogies since the age of 10.

MY FAV

7. Asking them about previous blind dates.... and asking them if they had a bad one. Get all the detail you can from their bad date... at least this way you can determine if this person has ever sat in your current shoes. Then continue to look really interested in what they're saying and ask.. come right out and ask.. how did you end it..... let them tell their story and then proceed to do exactly what they have just told you. If this doesn't give them a clue... well it doesn't matter... you've ended the date and you are free.

Now, my advice isn't for everyone, but its an option for those who find themselves on the blind date for hell. I wouldn't suggest that you try all of these during 1 date... just pick one.. practice it.. .perfect it. There is no sense getting a friend to call you during a date with an emergency... its too normal. If you are going to be stuck on a bad date.. why not make the most of it.. give yourself a great story to tell friends.
I can't wait to hear the stories from people who use my suggestions ... I want to know if they work, how long each took before the date was called to a close. I of course could use them myself.. but let's be honest... every single thing on this list is actually true in my case... so its the norm for me.. but would be open to suggestions from others... you know .. just in case I actually decide I want to date..... and dash !